


Long Dream

by rotKaiserin



Series: Hybrid [2]
Category: Joker Game (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Appearances from the other spies, Child Abuse, Implied Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 06:57:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9808289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rotKaiserin/pseuds/rotKaiserin
Summary: (-- can you find me? want you to call my name)Hatano wasn't one to read shoujo manga, but there was something familiar about this mangaka named Kunio.





	1. Hatano I: Maybe, Just Maybe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (fic title inspired by this [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnt-SEg9J9Y))
> 
> ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿ I am alive!! And here it is, the HataJitsu spinoff to "Déjà Vu" as promised *jazz hands* 
> 
> To any new readers out there, I think this can be read as a standalone, but there will be references to "Déjà Vu," at least in these first two chapters. This fic actually runs concurrent with "Déjà Vu," but the focus here is on Hatano and Jitsui ^^ I'm not exactly sure what else to say, but here we go~ Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy!! ٩(●˙▿˙●)۶

_Shadowy figures blurred together in his vision. Voices too distant for his ears to discern words. Anticipation and anxiety both rolled into one. It was a scene that the man who would be named Hatano swore he'd seen before, but somehow he couldn't quite predict the sequence of events._

_As his eyes surveyed the room -- bigger than it should be and out of reach, as if he weren't truly in his body -- he fought back the urge to bounce his leg up and down. After all, the document he read not moments ago dictated that he be prideful and cheeky and that he would be. This spy endeavor was the only thing he had going for him and like hell he'd screw it up. But with the garbled chatter filling his ears and the other figures convening together as he sat by his lonesome, Hatano longed for the familiar rhythm of his foot tapping against the floor._

_Perhaps trying to find a new source of comfort, he leaned back against his chair with his hands folded behind his head and he lowered his eyelids to create a droopy eyed effect. "Fake it 'til you make it" had been the words he'd lived by up to now, and it seemed that wouldn't be changing anytime soon._

I got this _, Hatano the Spy thought, ignoring the suffocating feeling of his throat closing up._ _He stared up at the ceiling to block out the stares -- he was sure the others were staring, even if he couldn't see their eyes -- and tried to focus on other things to tune out the undecipherable sounds of the other trainees._

But do you really? _Hatano the Person shot back._

_Cutting his internal back-and-forth short, someone sat down next to him. Keeping up his nonchalant appearance, Hatano turned to them only to see yet another faceless figure; the only thing distinguishable on the other man's visage was his polite smile. He didn't know why, but Hatano thought of gentle, dark brown irises; soft, black hair; and an androgynous body. Yet, for some reason, he couldn't piece it all together to complete the picture. Nonetheless, he greeted the man with a nod._

_"Hello," the man said -- mouthed rather, as no sound came out as he spoke -- just as politely as his smile._

_"Hey."_

_"How do you do?" were the words the man's lips formed next._

_"Could be better, could be worse." A beat passed before he returned the question, out of courtesy more than anything. "And you?"_

_His next words were harder to catch, Hatano only making out an "I suppose" and an "Are you?" Regardless, Hatano followed the script and snorted before replying._

_"I could say the same of you." He tapped a finger against the back of his head, the action not quite like bouncing his leg but enough to keep his nerves down. "What brings you here anyways?"_

_The other man's head tilted ever so slightly to the side and again, Hatano could barely make out the words on his lips. Three instances of "here" were all he managed to catch. Still, Hatano leaned forward in his seat, his next sentence coming out rougher than intended but genuinely curious._

_"'Here' as in what do you want from me?"_

_The other man didn't reply immediately. Hatano followed his eyes -- he guessed that was the action at least, since he couldn't actually see them -- towards the other trainees, the distance between them and the others seemingly have increased threefold and their figures growing even taller, if that was even possible. The tapping against the back of his head intensified, though the fact that he had someone next to him helped ease him as well. He assumed the other man spoke, because his head snapped back to him. It seemed that he’d missed what he said though, since the man simply looked at him. Hatano took a glance back at the others -- looming and dark, unfamiliar and daunting -- before giving his answer._

_"Fair enough." He extended a hand towards him. "Hatano."_

_The other man's polite smile grew wider and as they shook hands, Hatano felt warm. Not a physical kind of warmth, but the kind of warmth that told him that he would be okay and that he could make it. Perhaps he was deluding himself, and he wouldn't be surprised if he was, but Hatano took comfort in it for now._

_"It's nice to meet you, Hatano." The man's lips read. "My name is --"_

* * *

Jitsui.

That was the name Hatano had engraved onto his body -- almost quite literally -- the characters written in ink a reminder of the man he couldn't completely remember.

His day didn't start until he'd written 実 for "truth" and 井 for "well" onto his wrist and Jitsui's name was his one constant companion throughout the day, hidden safely underneath his sleeve; the bruises littering his body were good for something, even if they were just an excuse to keep Jitsui's name to himself and only to himself. He'd rather not be scrutinized for it because it was one of the few things that placated those damn migraines of his, even better than a Tylenol pill at times.

Much like right now as the afternoon sun only served to create a pounding sensation in his head, the soft rays like a nuclear beam to him. While it meant more time away from home, Hatano was beginning to regret agreeing to wait for Kaminaga. Especially when today was his first day of uni and he wanted nothing more to bury himself in his bed and ignore the world for as long as possible. No amount of drugs could ever fully alleviate the pain. But somehow as his fingers brushed over wrist, he relaxed a little.

Hatano could never pinpoint exactly what it was about it. After all, the few things he could remember of Jitsui were blurry pieces of a figure he could never put together and a faraway voice. He hadn't even realized his name was Jitsui until Kaminaga, Amari, and Tazaki were reminiscing on the past and discussing the whereabouts of the others -- or if they were even around. But whenever he heard or saw his name, Hatano felt at ease and wondered whatever happened to him. He thought it unfair that he be given a second chance at life while Jitsui didn't.

With the sun glaring in his eyes now, Hatano squinted and decided he was going to take the next train regardless of whether or not Kaminaga arrived on time. He rummaged through his backpack for something to block the sun or maybe even another Tylenol (he was pretty sure it'd been six hours already. Probably), but instead he found a copy of this month's _Tulip_. He squinted at it, trying to recall why he had it, but it clicked once he saw the names of the mangas featured this month. Well, just one specifically.

_Le Loup_ by Kunio.

Now, Hatano wasn't into shoujo manga nor would he want to be caught dead reading it. In fact, it'd him taken months to start even reading it, the name of it escaping him until he'd finally written it down in on one of his many post-it notes. This one, though, stood out to him not necessarily for all the violence and dark themes (which certainly made him question just how the hell it ended up being labeled a shoujo manga), but for the same calm feeling it invoked as Jitsui's name whenever he read it.

There was something familiar about this Kunio guy -- person, rather, since no amount of research yielded any basic info -- that Hatano couldn't place. He didn't know why he remembered the alias Jitsui had taken up once out of all things, but the author's name was the thing that drew him in initially. And, okay, it was pretty interesting if he had to be honest. By shoujo manga standards, that was.

_Le Loup_ followed the story of an amnesiac named Shimano who found himself in the midst of a war and all right, _maybe_ Hatano found himself identifying with the main character. Just a little bit. He couldn't help it when the main character's experiences mirrored some of his own. Sometimes it even felt like reading through the story filled in the gaps of his own memories. It was enough to convince him to start officially supporting Kunio, as much as a waste of his money it probably was. Besides, the eerie similarities only further cemented his theory that Kunio was related to Jitsui somehow.

He hadn't had time to read this month's chapter though, what with his dad busying him with "chores" and his migraines taking an even worse toll on him as of late. In a rush, he'd stuffed it into his backpack this morning with the hopes of finding some time to read it. And seeing that Kaminaga wasn't here yet nor was anyone paying him much attention, Hatano carefully pulled the magazine out of his bag and flipped right to _Le Loup_.

Right now, the deep meta level what-have-you's weren't of his concern. The last chapter had ended on such a cliffhanger that Hatano spent a couple of hours contemplating the meaning of like, Shimano and his allies having been entrapped by the enemy. Given the genre, it was obvious that at least Shimano would live, but he'd suffered a massive blow to the head and the others weren't faring any better either. Under such dire situations with such limited resources, Hatano just had to know --

"What'cha reading there?"

At the sound of Kaminaga's voice, Hatano slammed the magazine shut with more force than necessary. Shoving it into his backpack as quickly as he possibly could, he whipped around and gave Kaminaga the best glare he could muster up.

"W-What the hell!? Don't just sneak up on people like that!"

Kaminaga, that jackass, just laughed. A vein popped in Hatano’s head and he punched Kaminaga, which only made him laugh harder. God dammit.

"T-There's nothing wrong with liking shoujo manga, you know? It's okay to be in touch with your feminine side --"

"I'm not -- I'm not reading it because of that!" He turned away from Kaminaga, ignoring the warmth in his cheeks. "There's just this one manga in there and it's barely shoujo! There's a lot of blood and violence and it just... it just reminds me of someone."

"And who's this someone, hm?"

After a moment’s hesitation, Hatano told him, "...The author is some guy named Kunio.”

There was nothing necessarily taboo about the subject, but he often avoided talking about the past -- his own in particular. It felt wrong to do so, when he could barely string the memories together.

"Kunio?" Kaminaga's laughter had ceased by now, having taken on a more somber tone. "Like... Morishima Kunio?"

Hearing that, Hatano caught himself just before he could touch Jitsui's name hidden underneath his sleeve.

"...Yeah."

"How can you be sure it's really him?"

"I'm not," He said, a little harsher than intended. "But it seems like something he'd be interested in."

Hatano had once been taught that coincidences didn't exist, that everything happened for a reason, and that everything was connected. At the time, it'd been been part of his philosophy, but now he questioned how valid it was. Not once had he seen or heard of Jitsui in all his eighteen years and though his gut told him there had to be something up with Kunio, he didn't dwell on the thought too much. He didn't want to create false hope for himself, didn't want to delude himself into thinking that he could see Jitsui once more. All he had was speculation and not actual evidence, and he didn't want to act on assumptions.

"Hey, Hatano," Kaminaga said, breaking him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"If you saw that person again, would you talk to him?"

Hatano scoffed at his question. It was a no-brainer. And boy, what he'd give to have that opportunity.

"Of course I would. Why wouldn't I?"

"What if he didn't remember you? Or it was just someone who looked like him?"

Hatano hesitated this time. While he _had_ entertained the idea that Jitsui -- if he ever met him again -- didn't remember him, he'd always thought that Jitsui would be the one to fill in the blanks for him. But if he didn't either, that was just fine. At the risk of sounding cliché, they could just figure out the missing pieces together then.  

"I still would," Hatano said. "Because it would still be him even if he didn't remember, right?"

Kaminaga’s second question almost made him snort, as he couldn't even completely remember how Jitsui looked. He really needed to cut down on the shoujo manga, but he always imagined that he'd know Jitsui the moment he saw him. Perhaps it'd be better if he met a lookalike, because then there'd be no pressure to remember, no expectations to live up to.

"And if it was just someone who looked like him..." Hatano continued. "Well then, it wouldn't matter. I could still be his friend."

Thinking this deeply only intensified the throbbing in his head. Or maybe it was another kind of pain he was feeling now. Either way, Hatano turned back to Kaminaga and said, "What's with you today? You're asking some pretty deep questions."

Kaminaga gave him an exaggerated pout and if Hatano didn't know any better, he would've thought everything was fine; Kaminaga's reaction was just a few seconds off and the look in his eyes seemed distant.

"I can be deep."

Hatano only gave him a look, to which Kaminaga's face fell and his shoulders slumped. He took a breath, eyes downturned, before speaking again.

"I just... saw someone I knew today."

Hatano nearly asked him to clarify what he meant, but it hit him soon enough. Kaminaga's current behavior could only be explained by one thing -- one person; his own lost person just like Jitsui was to him. Unlike him, Kaminaga acted as if he'd moved on from it, constantly flirting with just about every girl he saw. Sometimes Hatano wondered how he could just get over someone so important to him just like that, but he supposed he'd been thinking too little of Kaminaga. Sometimes it was easy to forget that Kaminaga wasn't all cheer and stupidity, that perhaps he was just coping with things his own way.

But if what he said was true and he really saw Miyoshi today, then that might mean Jitsui was also around.

"Do you wanna... talk about it?" Hatano asked.

It was an awkward attempt of showing support and an awkward attempt of trying to glean some info for himself, but it was an attempt nevertheless. He couldn't say he was surprised when Kaminaga shook his head, the likelihood of him knowing anything about Jitsui pretty low, but he felt just a tad disappointed.

"No. Not yet, at least," Kaminaga said, grinning. "I don't wanna jinx anything, so I'll tell you all about it once I've met him properly."

Hatano merely snorted at his answer, though it was just like him to say something like that. He smirked back, some of Kaminaga's optimism rubbing off on him.

"Whatever you say. Just don't screw things up."

Kaminaga stuck his tongue out at him in response, shoving him playfully before leading the conversation to lighter topics. As Kaminaga chattered on about his day, Hatano's thoughts drifted off to the manga stuffed into his backpack. He supposed that he'd need to find things out for himself.

* * *

The meows of his cat, Yoru, greeted Hatano as he cautiously entered his apartment. Hovering by the entrance, he surveyed the area before completely stepping in. The living room didn't look much different than how he left it this morning, so that was a good sign. Just to make sure, he strained his ears to detect any other noises but all he heard was Yoru. He waited a couple more seconds before letting out a breath of relief and locking the door behind him.

Home alone. And he wouldn't have it any other way.

With Yoru following close behind him, he grabbed some cola and chips for himself before heading off into his bedroom. He dumped his backpack unceremoniously onto the floor and plopped onto his bed as Yoru settled in next to him. His dad's work hours were the only time he had to himself and Hatano indulged himself whenever possible. Even if it was just stuffing his mouth with chips and chugging down sugar while hanging off the side of his bed.

His moment of bliss was cut short, however, when his phone buzzed and Hatano let out a very exasperated sigh as he grabbed for it. Thankfully it was nothing from his dad, but it was just a useless Twitter notification telling him what was going on his feed today. He almost tossed his phone to the other side of the bed but decided what the hell, and scrolled through his timeline. It was just the same old, same old, nothing particularly interesting until he saw a tweet Kaminaga made not too long ago.

**kami-sama**   _i want to line up the pieces -- yours and mine._

The game reference caught his attention first, but the actual words caused the gears in his head to turn. He recalled very vaguely that he planned on doing something once he got home but what exactly, he couldn't remember. He thought back to his conservation with Kaminaga this afternoon, trying to figure out what it was. He remembered punching Kaminaga and he remembered Kaminaga questioning him and he remembered that Kaminaga saw someone today and he remembered that someone was Miyoshi apparently and -- wait, holy shit.

Hatano popped up into a sitting position, finally remembering what he wanted to do.

Shooting Kaminaga a quick reply, he reached for his laptop and started it up. An array of colorful post-it notes littered the frame of his laptop, each with a different message. One in bright green told him to pick up groceries (which, whoops, he forgot to do) and another in neon yellow told him he needed to return Tazaki’s hot glue gun (which, welp, he supposed he could do this weekend) but the one he focused on now was the hot pink one that simply had a Twitter handle and a reminder of when the next issue of _Tulip_ came out.

The username was that Kunio person's, and Hatano only wrote it down because he sure as hell wasn’t going to actually follow them on Twitter. He wasn't sure what possessed him to write it down anyways -- to even bother checking it on a regular basis, as there was nothing on there but typical cutesy reminders of updates. It became a habit, really, much like writing Jitsui's name on his wrist. Maybe he did it so he could break out of the delusion that this person was Jitsui. Jitsui certainly didn't seem like the type to have a cute, little bunny as his icon nor the type to have "Official Twitter account of Kunio-sensei~ (bunny emoji) ☆☆☆" as his description. Then again, this was the same guy who illustrated an extremely graphic scene of one of Shimano's friends being impaled. Well. Whatever.

After waiting like five years for everything to load, Hatano went onto Twitter and opened up a direct message to Kunio. He stared at the empty chat box, his fingers hovering over the keyboard. While he had an idea of what to say, the prospect of putting it all in written word made his stomach twist.

"What should I say?" He asked, turning to Yoru.

Yoru's tail swayed back and forth before he meowed.

"Ya think?" Hatano bit his lip, glancing back to the screen. "I don't wanna freak him out if it's, y'know, not actually him."

Yoru only meowed louder this time to which Hatano rolled his eyes.

"Okay,  _fine,_ you giant fur ball. But I'm still gonna keep it as subtle as possible."

He turned his attention back to the screen, ready to start typing but his fingers still refused to move. Until Yoru started pawing at him, he hadn't even realized he'd frozen up. He looked back at Yoru, who only stared at him with his big, yellow eyes.

"Right." He let out a shaky breath. "I guess it's now or never."

Slowly and hesitantly, he hit one key. Then the next. And the next and the next and the next until eventually he'd written out the entire message.

_Hey! How do you do? I'm a huge fan of yours and was wondering if there would be any opportunities to see you in person?_

He read it over and over again, making sure that it was perfectly clear. It could easily pass as a simple message from a fan, but it was enough for Jitsui -- if it really was Jitsui -- to recognize him. That was, if he was remembering things correctly.

Maybe this was a bad idea, Hatano thought. Maybe he should just wait until he knew for sure that Kunio was Jitsui. Or maybe --

Or maybe he shouldn't be seeing his message pop up into the chat box, the blue chat bubble with the timestamp right underneath it staring at him.

"Oh my God, you freaking fur ball, what'd you do?!"

In front of him was Yoru, with his foot right on top of the enter button. Yoru simply tilted his head, looking right at him as if feigning innocence. Huffing, Hatano pulled Yoru onto his lap.

"You're a real pain in the ass, ya know that?" Hatano said, scratching Yoru’s belly. Yoru only meowed in reply and Hatano shook his head, a small smile growing on his lips.

Well, he supposed as he looked back to the screen, all he had to do now was wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol oh boy, here we have it *jazz hands* should be an exciting time for these two haha
> 
> I guess a couple of things to note (not really of importance?? but just some stuff I had in mind lol)  
> \- tbh I feel like Jitsui's works would resemble Gen Urobuchi's (writer of Madoka Magica, Fate/Zero, Psycho-Pass among other things), I think especially Madoka Magica in this case LOL  
> \- le loup = the wolf in French (thanks google translate) and idk if I'll explicitly touch upon why it's named that in this fic, but uh, make of that what you will for now lol  
> \- i can't believe ao3 doesn't allow emojis in text wtf
> 
> I suppose that about wraps it up for the first chapter~ I wish I could promise faster updates but this semester is seriously kicking my ass :') lolol but I hope you guys enjoyed this!!


	2. Jitsui I: Our Next Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That feel when the inspiration for your manga turned out to be alive this whole time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO'S ALIVE  
> it's me but just barely _(:3 」∠)_
> 
> anyways I feel kinda weird about this chapter?? but that's mainly because I'm still trying to get a grasp on Jitsui's character... so anyways, apologies if he seems odd, especially past Jitsui?? Jitsui before meeting Hatano is, uh, something haha
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading and and I hope you guys enjoy~

_As the man who would become known as Jitsui entered the designated training location, he felt neither stress nor ease, neither excitement nor dread. Odd, considering he'd spent the prior days pondering the weight of his decision, but in this moment he didn't quite feel anything._

_Well, that wasn't completely true. Perhaps he_ did _feel a bit out of place._

_While he'd been anticipating the other trainees to fit a particular image, seeing it for himself made him realize how he stood out. He'd heard comments about his pretty face and his smaller physique all his life, but he'd learned to ignore them and he'd like to think he'd learned to have gotten over them as well. No longer was he intimidated by sneers and mocking gazes, but as he saw how much bigger and tougher the other trainees looked in comparison to him, he felt an extra need to prove himself here more than ever. There was a reason he'd been chosen for this spy training facility and he would live up to the Lieutenant Colonel's expectations despite what others thought._

_But no matter how soft-spoken and caring he was supposed to be, that didn't stop him from wanting to smack the grin off his seat mate, who so blatantly ignored his attempts at being friendly in favor of talking to the men seated in front of them._

_Had it been under different circumstances, Jitsui wouldn't have thought much of it. It was nothing new for people to snub him, but he'd thought the other trainees would be above such quick judgments or would at least bother trying to be polite on the first day. As it was, he couldn't really call the man out since it went against his assigned persona and he would have to live with that, he supposed. There was no need to cause a scene on the first day over something like this._

_Even then, it felt strangely isolating as he sat to the side. A scan of the room showed that a majority of the other trainees had already struck up conversations amongst themselves as they waited for the session to begin. Normally, Jitsui wouldn’t be opposed to the silence he found himself in, but he thought it unwise to not make at least some acquaintances. Fortunately, there appeared to be another like him; sitting by himself in the back was a man whom also didn't meet conventional standards what with his youthful face and shorter stature. Barely sparing his seat mate a glance, Jitsui put on a polite smile and went over to the man. He would make this work in his favor._

_"Hello," Jitsui said as the man nodded at him in greeting._

_"Hey," the man said non-committedly._

_"How do you do?"_

_"Could be better, could be worse." Like an afterthought, he added, "And you?"_

_"The feeling is mutual, I suppose," Jitsui said, pausing as he took in the chatter of the other trainees. Already, it seemed like they were forming cliques and groups and whatnot. "Not much of a social butterfly, are you?" He asked, keeping his voice light and pleasant._

_As if he'd just said some sort of dry joke, the man snorted._

_"I could say the same of you." The man gave him a once over, looking rather unimpressed. "What brings you here anyways?"_

_It was good that the man seemed competent enough to be suspicious of him, but it wouldn't do him well if he wouldn't cooperate with him._ _Either way, Jitsui carried on._

_"'Here' as in this facility, or 'here' as in right here?" he asked, tilting his head to the side._

_The man merely raised an eyebrow, his eyes holding only the smallest hints of wariness._

_"'Here' as in what do you want from me?"_

_Jitsui didn't take any offense at the accusatory tone but he didn't reply immediately either. Instead he looked back out to the other trainees as if to illustrate his answer. In his peripheral, he saw the man's eyes follow his and if he was seeing anything that he was seeing, then he'd see alliances forming -- alliances that could work against the both of them should they see fit. And if they were to survive in this training facility, they couldn't do it individually._

_Returning his gaze back to the other man, Jitsui saw that he was still staring at the others with a blank expression._

_"I just think that us small people should stick together, no?" Jitsui said, a suggestion rather than an insistence. Still, as the other man looked back to him with those droopy eyes of his, he thought his words had done the trick._

_"Fair enough," the man said, offering his hand to shake. "Hatano."_

_"It's nice to meet you, Hatano," he said, shaking his hand. "My name is Jitsui."_

_As Hatano returned his smile with a lazy one of his own, Jitsui decided he’d made the right choice. He'd made an ally for now. And perhaps he could get along with this Hatano man._

* * *

Jitsui had long become familiar with the sounds of pencil scratching against paper, the scritching noise as he sketched a comfort of sorts. The amount of erasing he'd done had stopped frustrating him some time ago, knowing that he was just one step closer to perfecting his story as he brushed away the eraser bits. As strange as it sounded, the manga making process was one of the few times Jitsui truly felt content. Of course, he often felt like murdering a man or two as he worked, but it was his creation in the end -- his own little world where he could lose himself in with the familiar characters. Or rather, familiar charac _ter_.

Despite the taller stature, unkempt silver hair, and ice blue irises, the droopy eyelids of _Le Loup_ 's main character was a constant reminder of the man dearest to Jitsui. "Whom had been dearest" was probably a more accurate statement, but as long as Jitsui kept on writing Shimano's story, he could pretend that Hatano still existed. And as far as he knew, there was nothing to prove otherwise. At least, that was what Jitsui told himself whenever doubt began to swell up.

Still, he didn't dwell on such thoughts and continued his cycle of sketch, erase, and repeat. At one point or another, his life began revolving around _Le Loup_ \-- maybe it was when Fukumoto and Odagiri (finally) admitted to their relationship or maybe it was when Miyoshi had tried moving on from Kaminaga -- but regardless of the reasoning, he dedicated most of his time to it because it was almost as if Hatano was still by his side. Little by little he'd been given inklings of the true Hatano during their time spent together, where they shared more than they should've as they grew closer; that was the Hatano he wanted to remember, to immortalize with his work -- the ray of sunshine that somehow made his way into his heart.

And, if he had to be completely honest, a part of him hoped that Hatano was really out there and would reach out to him one day.

For now, Jitsui settled on recreating Hatano's experiences told him about albeit with a fantasy twist. He'd never be able to go through what Hatano had for himself, but imagining how everything played out was fun in its own right. Sometimes it was like he could hear Hatano's voice when he wrote Shimano's dialogue and see the fluidity of Hatano's movements as he drew the action scenes. But if he had to be honest, Jitsui's favorite feature to draw was Shimano's eyes -- his droopy, ice blue eyes that held the same fire Hatano's did. He spent more time on them than he liked to admit, but it was so easy to lose himself in them --

"I'm home."

Jitsui tore his gaze off the paper to see Miyoshi entering their apartment.

"Welcome home," Jitsui said, quickly forcing himself to get back to work. He saved admiration for when he was alone, especially after that time Miyoshi pointed out the similarities between Shimano and Hatano. Though he'd shut him down with a remark about his hair, that didn't stop Miyoshi's all-knowing smirk from popping up whenever he worked.

"My," Miyoshi said, taking a seat across from him. Jitsui didn't need to look up to know that he was gazing over his work with amusement. "Did you even go to school today?"

"Why wouldn't I? I got home early is all it is." Not that he'd ever say it, but he'd specifically created his schedule so he could have as much time to work on his manga as possible.

"Right. I just don't want you dragging behind in your school work, _Kunio-sensei_."

Without pausing, Jitsui gave Miyoshi one of his cold smiles. To his credit, Miyoshi didn't flinch.

"Are you doubting me?"

"Of course not; you're one of the most capable people I know. I'm just concerned," he said without any hints of actual concern.

Now it was Jitsui's turn to be amused.

"You? Concerned?"

"It's one of my father's conditions after all." No amount of training could ever cover up Miyoshi's disdain for his father, his smirk falling just a bit. While Jitsui could relate to a certain degree, he never missed the rare opportunity to exploit Miyoshi's weaknesses.

"You never struck me as the type to care about other people's orders," he said, more teasing than mocking, as he continued sketching away.

"I could care less about what that man wants." In his peripheral, Jitsui saw Miyoshi straighten his posture and raise his chin high. "I just don't have the means to support myself. Not yet, anyways."

"It's amazing how all it takes is one man with money to have some control over you."

Feeling Miyoshi's eyes burning holes into him, Jitsui kept his smirk to himself.

"It's just a minor setback," Miyoshi said, to which Jitsui hummed in response.

"Things have certainly changed, haven't they?"

Miyoshi made no reply nor any indicator that he heard him, but Jitsui didn't mind. He worked best in silence anyways, when he could concentrate completely on the story he told -- on his memories of Hatano. He wanted to give them the respect they deserved, the care they needed. Hatano had never been the most detailed storyteller, telling him only the main points and expounding only when asked, but Jitsui clung onto every word nevertheless and worked with what he had.

He clearly recalled what Hatano had told him about his mission in France, of how he'd instigated a riot and lost his memory in the process, of how he'd gotten wrapped up with members of the French Resistance and helped them escape from the Germans. It was the scene he worked on now, the image of Shimano nursing his bloodied head and his allies tending their own wounds as they discussed an escape plan forming piece by piece. More often than not, Jitsui wondered about how Hatano had truly felt throughout his missions. Things would be easier if he were there to discuss all these things with him. Things would be easier if he were there in general.

"I saw something interesting today," Miyoshi suddenly said, cutting through the silence and more importantly, his concentration. "Two somethings, actually."

"Is that so?" Jitsui asked, only half interested. Miyoshi would never waste his time with meaningless chatter, but he had a deadline to meet. Even then, nothing could prepare Jitsui for what he was about to hear.

"Hatano --"

They were three simple syllables composed of three characters, yet somehow Jitsui's body came to a standstill as Miyoshi spoke them. His hand stopped abruptly as it hovered over Shimano's face, Jitsui trying to register what he’d just said. Though he'd often heard the name in his dreams and repeated it plenty of times in his head, hearing it spoken out loud was a rarity.

"-- and Kaminaga."

Jitsui barely heard him say Kaminaga's name, but he tried to remain calm. To think, not only was Hatano around but Kaminaga also. As he looked up, Miyoshi wore an unreadable expression.

"Are you sure it was them?"

"I wouldn't have told you if I wasn't."

He really wouldn't. Miyoshi wouldn't lie about such a thing, especially when it concerned him as well. Not to mitigate Miyoshi's own problems, but Jitsui was still trying to come to terms with the fact that Miyoshi had seen _Hatano_ \-- alive and in the flesh. Part of him thought it unfair that Miyoshi got to see him first when _he'd_ spent the better part of his life wondering about him, when _he'd_ been hoping that he'd been reborn also, when this was _his_ Hatano. However, now wasn't the time for any resentments.

"How were they?" Jitsui asked finally, hating how shaky his voice came out.

"I don't know." Miyoshi said, much to his disappointment. "I... didn't get the chance to talk to them."

Jitsui would've gladly called Miyoshi out on the pause he'd just made had the situation been different, on how obvious he'd made it that there was more going on than what he told him. But Jitsui's own mind was still numb from the news, still letting what he'd heard sink in.

"That's unfortunate," he said instead. "But they must be around here, shouldn't they?" Mechanically, he resumed sketching. "I suppose you'll just have to find out next time you see them, then."

Miyoshi didn't respond immediately, but from his peripheral, Jitsui saw him clutch at his chest -- his heart -- perhaps a hint to whatever mishap may have lead Miyoshi to miss his chance today. How ironic, Jitsui thought, that the once perfect spy had become so flawed. Or maybe it was more like he was allowed to be flawed now. Nonetheless, the moment of vulnerability didn't last long and Miyoshi looked up to him with a smirk.

"Of course," he said with a different kind of confidence than his usual -- this one more determined, filled with meaning.

Jitsui only smiled back before looking towards the pages of _Le Loup_ in front of him, Shimano’s droopy eyes matching his gaze. As glad as he was for Miyoshi, his thoughts drifted off to Hatano. He wondered if he and Hatano would have a next time as well.

* * *

Perhaps their next time would come sooner than Jitsui expected.

Miyoshi had since gotten bored of watching Jitsui draw and left him alone, which he was thankful for, but the sounds of his phone ringing interrupted his much needed solitude. He had half the mind to ignore the call, but seeing that it was from his editor/publicist/whatever-the-fool-was-calling-himself-today and knowing how he got when ignored, Jitsui answered.

"Good afternoon, Gamou," Jitsui said, positioning his phone in between his ear and shoulder as he continued working. "Is there anything I can do for you?

"Afternoon, Jitsui," Gamou said, sounding tired, the kind of tired he got whenever Jitsui insisted on adding extra blood to a scene. "Yes, actually. Whenever you can get to it, can you hand in a signed autograph? Some kid is asking for one."

Already, Jitsui added it to his mental to-do list. Autographs weren't exactly uncommon, but on top of finishing the next chapter, restocking on supplies, and getting his own schoolwork done, they weren't top priority. In fact, he'd just gotten a stamp to sign things off.

"Don't worry, I'll get it done. And whom am I making it out to?"

"Let's see..." In the background, typing noises could be heard from Gamou's end. "I believe his name is Hatano."

Hearing that, Jitsui froze and his phone slipped from his shoulder and clattered against the kotatsu top. Faintly, he heard Gamou calling his name and he scrambled to pick it back up.

"Are you okay, Jitsui?"

"I'm just fine, thank you," he said, trying to keep his voice even. "Just to make sure I heard you correctly, you said Hatano, right?"

"That's right. Ryousuke Hatano."

Jitsui's mouth dried up. Simply Hatano could've been anyone and despite what Miyoshi told him earlier, Jitsui didn't want to assume. But Ryousuke Hatano was too much to be happenstance. He remembered Ryousuke as the name Hatano had taken up for his mission in France and it seemed that the recurring theme for the reborn spies was for their names to be a combination of the names Yuuki had given them and an alias they'd taken up.

This had to be Hatano. _His_ Hatano.

"I see, thank you. If it's no problem, may I have his address? I'd like to send it personally."

There was a brief pause where Jitsui could imagine Gamou’s brows furrowing and and his eyes narrowing, like whenever Jitsui thought it'd be a good idea to kill off yet another character.

"Can I ask why?"

"Do I need a reason?" Jitsui asked, adding an extra edge to his tone.

And then there was another pause where Jitsui could imagine Gamou recoiling in fear like the first time he laid eyes upon him in this lifetime.

"No, no," Gamou said rather dejectedly. "Just... I'll text it to you, all right?"

"Of course," Jitsui said, his demeanor taking a one-eighty. "Thank you, Gamou," he added in that sickeningly sweet voice of his.

"It's no problem," Gamou said, trying to keep whatever dignity he had left before hanging up.

Setting his phone down, Jitsui looked back to the panel he was currently working on, where Shimano stared right at him. Try as he might, he couldn't bring himself to continue sketching. How funny that his whole career had started with his one desire to see Hatano again, but he didn't expect it to actually come true. But it was happening -- _would_ be happening if things worked out well. It must've only been a few seconds since Gamou ended the call, but Jitsui couldn't sit still now. As dear as Shimano was to him, Hatano was dearer still and he didn't want to wait for Gamou's text.

Checking his business email and social media accounts was something Jitsui rarely did, having been banned from posting things himself without Gamou's approval. Apparently his messages and statuses had been "scaring away the demographic," and as ridiculous as he thought it was, he complied. It was easier letting Gamou handle everything and he'd never been much for social media anyways. But if it meant that he could read Hatano's words for himself, it was worth a try.

His inbox held nothing of interest, but fortunately something came up on his Twitter account. Right on the very top of his conversations was a user with the display name “hataYES” and an icon of a black cat. Jitsui had never clicked on something so quickly in his life.

The last message had been sent from him (well, Gamou) a few minutes ago but considering the blue checkmark, it'd been seen, so hopefully that meant he'd be getting a response soon. In the meantime, Jitsui read the rest of the conversation, which didn't consist of much but held a lot of significance nonetheless.

_Hey! How do you do? I'm a huge fan of yours and was wondering if there would be any opportunities to see you in person?_

Just with Hatano's greeting, the corners of his lips tugged up as he recognized the meaning behind Hatano's words. If only he hadn't made the decision to keep his identity private, then maybe they could've planned some sort of meeting. Or maybe if he'd just gotten the chance to talk to him first, then Gamou wouldn't have offered an autograph instead. But no matter. He could make this work. If Hatano was willing to go with what Gamou suggested, then surely he was up to something too and Jitsui would meet him halfway.

"You look particularly happy," Miyoshi said, emerging from his room. As he poured himself a glass of water, he gave him that all-knowing smirk of his, but somehow it didn't annoy Jitsui like it usually did.

"I just feel good today." Jitsui simply said, rereading the message for the umpteenth time.

"Hm, should I be expecting the police to come asking about a missing person?" Miyoshi asked, a teasing lilt in his voice.

"It's nothing like that." Jitsui set his phone back down again, the message burned into his memory. "But I think I found a certain someone."

Miyoshi blinked at him, his mouth opening as if to question him but shutting it once it seemed to click. He didn’t give any witty remarks or any snide comments, much to Jitsui’s surprise, but he smiled -- one of those rare, genuine smiles of his -- as he walked back to his room.

"I hope things work out with your someone then."

"Thank you. I hope so too."

With the _click_ of Miyoshi’s door closing, Jitsui cleaned up his work space, leaving behind a clean piece of paper and a pen. He couldn't concentrate on working right now, thoughts of Hatano flooding his mind. It would be a while until he had more free time to make any visits, but he'd at least give Hatano the autograph that he agreed to take. An autograph with a generic message and stamped off at the end wouldn't cut it though. He needed to send him something meaningful and worthwhile.

Not wasting any more time, Jitsui began writing, knowing exactly what to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wish things would be smooth sailing from here but lmao ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> although... i like to think of the next two chapters as the calm before the storm rather haha
> 
> kjhbdhsb I drew [Shimano](http://68.media.tumblr.com/2f83c3527d184554e8e0bd5da3c76364/tumblr_omzog4Ld6z1qczg7jo1_1280.png) in case anyone's interested in seeing him! ~~it's hatano in a silver wig and blue contacts~~
> 
> I'm not really sure what else to say, but there we have it! Hopefully I can update within the month or like... next month (funny I updated exactly one month ago haha) but yeppers~ Thank you guys so much for reading and I hope you all have a great day/night~ (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧


	3. Hatano II: Have You Forgotten Something Important?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hatano remembered important things, of course. Sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *rises from the dead* I-I'm here --
> 
> omg it's been a while (like two months a while fkjdnfkjs) ;; but I swear, I'm not abandoning this fic!! Life has just been really tiring and hectic for me, but I'm slowly chipping away at this! I'm not quite sure what else to say, but thank you for reading and I hope you guys enjoy this chapter as well! and hopefully still remember what's going on lol
> 
> ~~also chapter title is a not so subtle sound horizon ref ahuehuehue~~

_Some nights, Hatano dreamed of blurry figures and murky surroundings, of faded images and fleeting impressions; the sounds were too garbled together to distinguish a single voice, and even he didn't feel like he was truly in his body._

_Other nights were slightly better._ _Of course, he still couldn't quite get a full grasp on his dreams, but he could at least tell human from table and hear the voices more clearly. Still, it felt like he was watching the scene through frosted glass._

_Tonight was one such night, where the memory played more smoothly than others (though it wasn't like it mattered, since it escaped his mind like sand streaming through his fingers once he woke up)._

_Soreness ran throughout his body, but it was the good kind of sore one got after a workout. As he sat now, the fatigue was just enough to overcome any nerves he'd been feeling. To his right, he could hear the other trainees chattering about, but not enough to make out their words. In other dreams, he remembered that alone would create that damn anxiousness, but tonight, it was more comforting if anything._

_His solitude, however, was broken with a clink of a bourbon bottle. Looking up, Hatano saw that familiar black hair and polite smile he'd grown used to seeing, yet the rest of the features were too blurred to make out. Jitsui's lips moved, yet no sound came out just as usual._

_"You're -- the others?"_

_Despite not making complete sense of the words, Hatano shrugged as if he knew the script by heart._

_"Don't feel like kicking their asses any further; just wouldn't be fair to them."_

_Indeed, he recalled the training session they had earlier that day. While he managed to pass all of their training sessions, physical combat was his domain. Most of the others had long learned not to underestimate him just because of his stature, but there was always a rush of pride he got whenever he managed to take everyone down with ease._

_Jitsui's shoulders shook slightly, as if chuckling as he uncapped the bottle._

_"-- didn't strike me --"_

_Hatano snorted._

_"Wouldn't say that exactly. Everyone else just needs to step their game up."_

_"Even me?"_

_Such words coming from Jitsui combined with that smile of his, especially when he couldn't hear his voice, normally would've sent chills down his spine -- a threat of sorts, a promise that he wouldn't see tomorrow. But somehow, Hatano found himself matching Jitsui's smile, a fluttery feeling growing in his stomach that set off warning bells in his head. But he ignored them, just as he did whenever his heart and mind clashed._

_"You're not half bad.”_

_This time, Jitsui really laughed and Hatano wished he could hear it for himself._

_"What a --"_

_"Don't let it get your head now, 'kay?" Despite his words, Hatano found his smile growing._

_"Of course --" Jitsui held out a glass of bourbon towards him, having filled the two glasses during their conversation. "-- a drink?"_

_"...You celebrating something?" Hatano asked._

_It was Jitsui's turn to shrug._

_"You -- today." Jitsui smiled, genuine and warm, causing the fluttering in his stomach to explode. "Think of it as a reward of sorts."_

_"It's no big deal," Hatano said, but took the glass nonetheless after a moment's hesitation. "But thanks."_

_Taking a sip, Hatano looked away from Jitsui just to calm the tremors that threatened to overtake his body. He hadn't meant to get attached, not even considering that fact that he_ wasn't _supposed to get attached to anyone in the first place. And knowing what their job entailed for them, he refused to get any closer. But for now -- just for now -- sitting next to Jitsui was good enough for him._

* * *

As much as he denied it, anxiety was a feeling Hatano was all too familiar with. Like that anxiety you get before placing your order at McDonald's and you end up saying "Big Mac, have can I, hi?" instead of "Hi, can I have a Big Mac?" or when you accidentally rope yourself into something you didn't want to do because you couldn't say "no."

Or like when you're waiting for a reply from someone and no matter how much you tell yourself _not_ to think about it, it's _all_ you can think about and you keep switching back and forth between tabs every 0.00005 milliseconds.

It couldn't have been longer than five minutes since he messaged Kunio but it felt like he'd been waiting for Jitsui to come back from the war for the past seventy-seven years. Without thinking, he began petting Yoru; anything to keep his hands busy, so he wouldn't end up tap, tap, tapping his fingers against his laptop or staring at the screen as if to will a message to pop up. It managed to do the trick, since he no longer felt the need to throw himself down the fire escape outside his room.

But of course it was then that he got a new message.

Yoru hissed and Hatano looked down, not realizing he'd grabbed onto a fistful of Yoru's fur.

"Shit, sorry," he said, letting go immediately. Perhaps to delay checking the message, he rubbed the area he'd grabbed. In the meantime, his eyes drifted back towards the screen where the notification stared right at him. Try as he might to keep himself calm, nothing could stop his heart from pounding against his chest.

He'd have to read it sooner or later, he figured. So with shaky hands, he moved his cursor over his DMs and opened up his chat with Kunio.

_Sorry, I'm afraid there are no plans for that. I can offer you an autograph instead!_

Hatano blinked.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

And then he slapped his hands against his face.

"God dammit." His nails dug into his forehead, where he felt another headache coming on. "I'm so fucking stupid..."

Rubbing his head against his side, Yoru meowed, which helped soothe Hatano a bit. Even then, he kept his eyes shut because he didn't want to keep reading the message over and over again. Soon, the pain from his nails was almost enough to mitigate that of his headache.

"I mean, it was dumb to think this guy was Jitsui." He paused, now massaging his nose bridge. "If it were really him, he'd recognize me... wouldn't he?"

Yoru's head tilted as he let out a meow.

"’Kay... but then what if he doesn't remember --"

Another meow.

"But --"

A bip this time. Hatano huffed, slowly letting go of his head.

"A'ight... you have a point."

He took a deep breath, gripping onto the sides of his laptop. If it was really Jitsui on the other end, it was possible he was acting in order to keep up appearances. It most likely wasn't his private account so if others saw his messages, it'd be strange to act too familiar. And besides, he could track down the address if he received something from Kunio. It may not lead him to Jitsui directly, but it would be a start.

 _Sure._ Hatano typed. _That's cool._

Hitting enter, he bit his lip. Maybe that was too casual? He shouldn't be acting overly familiar either as well, now that he thought about it. A simple “That's all right” would've worked better probably. If only there were an edit function, or a delete function, or a delete-his-existence function, or --

 _May I have your name?_ was the next message.

His breathing hitched. “It's me, you dumb fuck!” was what he wanted to write, but Hatano knew that wouldn't get him very far. Instead, he sent, _Ryousuke. Ryousuke Hatano._

Okay, maybe that was too blunt. It wouldn't have hurt to have been a bit more tactful with his words rather than just throwing his name out there like some kinda Edge Lord.

_And may I have your address?_

He wasn't as caught off guard by this message, but his mouth went dry. His fingers hovered over the keyboard, trying to come up with the best way to phrase it. It was just an address, but he didn't want to accidentally say something weird or anything.

 _Of course_ . He typed with shaky fingers. _My ad_

"Hatano!"

Hatano's fingers froze, his head snapping towards the hallway. A quick glance towards the clock told him it was about time his dad got home and _shit_ , he didn't do any of the errands he was supposed to do. Of course it all came rushing back to him now of all times.

"Yeah?" He called back out, trying to keep his voice as even as possible.

He waited, but this wait was filled with with a pit of dread growing in his stomach. Seconds ticked by and he heaved a sigh, knowing that passive-aggressive silence his dad gave him whenever he wasn't happy. He looked between the chat and the hallway, debating whether or not he should finish up his message first. Still, he didn't want to keep his dad waiting any longer.

"Watch this." He told Yoru, setting his laptop to the side. Mentally, physically, and emotionally bracing himself for dealing with his dad, Hatano got up. He'd get what he needed to do done and return quickly. After all, this wasn't a matter he couldn't just leave hanging.

* * *

The itchiness in Hatano's head had been bothering him for the past three days, the same one where he felt like he was forgetting something but couldn't place _what_. Amari always told him not to think too hard about it -- that it'll come back to him eventually. But Amari didn't know how it felt like having literal gaping holes in his memories, and how much he'd give to just remember something trivial. Even now as he sat in his lecture, the annoying feeling didn't subside and it was even more irritating combined with the dull pounding in his forehead. The professor droning on and on and on in a monotone voice didn't help either.

Rather than taking notes, he doodled on the pages of his notebook to help take his mind off the feeling. A doodle of Birdzaki sat on the bottom of the page, followed by Yoru sprawled out over the page, and eventually he started drawing a figure on the side. Hatano had only managed to outline the body before pausing, his brows furrowing. There was someone he wanted to draw, but he wasn't quite sure how to go about it. The person's hair was short and black, but he couldn't quite recall the style. And the eyes -- what shape were they? What color were they? He dropped his pen in frustration as faded images of his dreams came to mind, a searing feeling growing on his left wrist.

His phone buzzed then, and wanting something to distract him, Hatano checked his messages.

 

He couldn't help but snort, earning him some looks from his classmates. Giving them a half-hearted bow of the head, he sent a "HOLY SHIT" to Amari and opened up a new message to Kaminaga.

 

Figuring Kaminaga was still unconscious or something, he set his phone down. He rested his chin on the palm of his hand and picked up his pen again, ready to continue doodling because it wasn't like the lecture was getting any more interesting. But as the pen tip touched the paper, he found himself unable to draw. The faceless figure seemed to be looking back at him as he looked down at it with a disgruntled expression. His mind drifted off to the characters of Jitsui's name written on his wrist, but his phone buzzed again, cutting his thoughts short.

 

When it took Kaminaga more than a minute to respond, Hatano had expected a very annoyed message. Instead, what he got was that Oddly Distant Kaminaga.

 

Hatano's finger hovered the keyboard, unsure of what to say. After some consideration, he sent his reply.

 

Briefly, Hatano looked over to the figure he'd been drawing. That burning feeling in his wrist refused to die down, the itch in his head couldn't scratch only intensified, and his slight headache was becoming more than slight. There was something he was forgetting...

 

And then it hit him.

He bit his lip to prevent another outburst, "Shit!" on the tip of his tongue. Closing his chat with Kaminaga, he opened up the Twitter app. His foot tapped against the floor as he waited for it and he practically slammed his DMs once it loaded. There on top of his conversations was the one with Kunio; the last message had been sent by Kunio three days ago.

Any other person would've opened it up with little hesitation, but Hatano couldn't bring himself to do it. It'd been three days. _Three_ whole days he’d left the message unanswered, having crashed right after doing all his chores then. He'd probably look like a dumbass if he responded now, or just piss Kunio off for replying so late. He wouldn't even be surprised if he'd been bothering him when he first contacted him.

Hatano very nearly exited the app. True, he didn't know if it was truly Jitsui on the other end -- and chances were it wasn't Jitsui. He'd maybe get that autograph and the novelty of it would wear off in a couple of days and his life would continue as normal, whatever "normal" was. It'd be an incident he looked back on a few years from now and die from embarrassment at the mere thought of it, thinking that he'd actually believed some mangaka he liked was the same guy who was... important to him once.

But nonetheless, Hatano opened up the chat with Kunio because chances were that it _was_ Jitsui. After all, if Kaminaga had seen Miyoshi after years of believing he wasn't around, Jitsui might've been there the whole time. Besides, Hatano would only hate himself even more if he didn't take the chance; he couldn't deny that he often wondered about their past and what could've been.

 _Hey._ He typed, hating how long it took him to write a simple greeting. _Sorry for the late response. Here’s my address_

After typing in his address and checking over his message about fifty times, he sent it and quickly locked his phone, not wanting to stress himself out any further by staring a hole into his screen. Still, there was little else he could do to distract himself. The girl to his left gave him a weird look for bouncing his leg so much, so all he could really do was twirl his pen around in his fingers. Thankfully (or maybe not so thankfully), his phone buzzed with a Twitter notification. With only a moment's hesitation, he opened it.

_No worries! It'll be there in two to three business days. Hopefully it's not too long a wait, but think of it as a reward of sorts (bunny emoji)_

Hatano squinted at the message, reading it over and over and over again. There was something familiar about the words, but he that wasn't where his concern laid. That was it? He waited a couple more seconds, expecting something along the lines of "lol jk" but nothing came. _That was it._

He probably looked like a fool right now, what with the grin growing on his face, but he didn’t care about what other people thought. All the tension that'd built up in his body for the past couple of days dissipated and his head felt a lot more lighter. This was one step closer to Jitsui, one step closer to figuring everything out ( _if_ it was Jitsui, the rational side of himself reminded him).

Knowing he definitely couldn't afford to forget this time around, he took out of of his many post it notes and wrote a reminder to himself. But that still wasn't enough, he thought; it looked just like all the other reminders he forgot about. So, he took out one of his highlighters (courtesy of Amari because "all good students have highlighters!") and circled it three times. Then he drew arrows pointing towards it. And just for good measure, he wrote "DON'T FORGET THIS U FUCKING DUMBASS" at the top.

Tacking it onto his phone, Hatano let out a relieved sigh. Two to three business days. He could survive until then.

* * *

Usually Hatano couldn't give two shits about the mail, since it was all junk and he didn't get anything anyways, but the mailbox was his new favorite spot in the upcoming days. Every time he came home, he made sure to check it and it was a plus because he didn't have to hear his dad throw a hissy fit over not getting the mail. But even if he knew he shouldn't expect something immediately, that didn't stop the feeling of disappointment that rose up every time he found nothing for him.

When Hatano went to check the mail on the third business day, he'd nearly went into cardiac arrest. The mailbox was empty, and checking his phone, he knew it was past the time the mailman came around. There was nothing for him dumped in the Wrong Mailbox Pile either, much to his dismay. Thinking that the mailman might've been late today, he stuck around the lobby for a bit. Yet, thirty minutes had passed and there was no sign of the mailman. Trying to reassure himself that nothing was wrong, he decided to head on home.

Following his typical routine, he closed the door behind him and kicked his shoes off. But as he opened his mouth to announce his return, he spotted some envelopes on the table. With the words dying on his tongue, he scrambled towards the letters and picked them up.

A bill, another bill, some kinda ad, this one wasn't even for them -- one by one, his hope died with each letter that wasn't addressed to him.

"Welcome home."

Hatano nearly dropped the mail in surprise, looking over to see his dad enter the living room. His face held a sour expression as he walked towards the kitchen, his suit attire disheveled. The tone of his voice was the opposite of welcoming though, more of a reprimand for not minding his manners.

"I'm home," Hatano said curtly, trying to keep himself together.

"You expecting something?" Had someone else been listening on, it would seem like a father trying to be more involved with his son's life, but Hatano didn't miss the annoyance that seeped through his tone.

"Nothing," Hatano said, as he put the pile back down because nothing was exactly what he found. "Just wondering, 'cause I checked the mail when I got home but the mailbox was empty."

His dad grunted, picking an ice bag from the freezer.

"Yeah, picked it up when I got home," he said as he held the ice bag to his head.

Hatano let out a hum, just to let his dad know he heard him. Unfortunately, it seemed like his dad wasn't finished yet.

"You didn't do what I asked you to do."

Hatano furrowed his brows, trying to rack through his memory for anything his dad may have told him -- which was pretty broad in and of itself in the first place. Regardless, he couldn't really come up with anything.

"I didn't...?" Hatano asked, carefully as if treading on thin ice. He didn't want to piss his dad off any further.

His dad exhaled sharply. Hatano hated the way he backed up instinctively.

"I told you to clean the house yesterday."

The order sounded vaguely familiar. And if he was remembering correctly, "yesterday" was more like "last night" just before going to bed.

"Well, sorry then," Hatano said, trying to placate his dad if nothing else. "I'll get to it."

"You better," his dad said. "I don't ask much from y'know? I work my ass off to support you, the least you can do are some chores."

He'd heard that whole spiel time and time again, enough times that he just accepted it for what it was and didn't bother arguing anymore. Sighing, he nodded his head.

"I know, I know. Just --"

The doorbell rang and Hatano started towards the door.

"I'll get that --"

"No," his dad said. "I'll get it, you do what I told you to do."

"You sure?"

" _Now._ "

Despite how much he wanted to protest, Hatano went off to his room without another word. Even if he'd gotten used to this, that didn't stop him from feeling drained every time it happened. Still, he listened to his dad, because he didn't want to deal with the consequences of _not_ listening to him. For the moment, he busied himself with finding a medical mask, or else he'd sneeze up a storm the rest of the day. Now if only he could find where he kept them.

As he rummaged through his room, something bumped against him. Glancing over, Hatano saw Yoru looking up at him, his ears swiveled.

"Not now."

Yoru meowed, his tail slowly swaying back and forth.

"Not _now_ , Yoru."

His meowing growing inconsistent, Yoru pawed at his ankles.

"I said not now!"

A heavy stillness settled in as he and Yoru stared at each other. Yoru was the first to break the tension with a slow blink, to which Hatano took a deep breath and let it out. It wasn't the first time he'd snapped, but he hated it, especially since Yoru didn't deserve being on the receiving end of his frustrations. The fur ball was the only thing keeping him sane in this house, if he had to be honest. Kneeling, Hatano rubbed the underside of Yoru's chin.

"Sorry 'bout that."

In response, Yoru nuzzled his chin against his palm; a small smile grew on Hatano's  face as Yoru purred. The moment of relief, however, was cut short when he heard something slam shut outside.

"...Is everything all right?" Hatano called out to his dad, after a moment's hesitation.

"Yeah." A pause. "Just some shithead."

Not bothering to respond back, Hatano continued petting Yoru in the meantime. It was odd since they didn't receive much visitors -- none at all, really. Not even his friends risked it, not after his dad exploded on them for coming over. Neither he nor his dad order anything, so it couldn't be a delivery man. A tiny hope he had, as foolish as it was, was that it might've been Jitsui at the door. But even he knew the likelihood of that was near to none. Whatever, he decided, it was of no concern to him.

For now, he just needed to focus on getting by, even if just barely. But still, no matter how much he denied it, there was a still a small part of him that was hoping, wishing, for some kinda sign.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this and the next chapter feel like those "bridge" chapters where nothing really exciting happens but needs to happen in order to go on orz I hope the stuff with Hatano's dad came out okay as well, as it's a conflict I'm not used to writing nor have I personally experienced it (if you have anything to say about it, feel free to do so!). But nonetheless, I hope you guys enjoyed it!! Hopefully I'll be seeing you guys again sooner rather than later hehe ^u^


	4. Jitsui II: Patience is a Virtue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As a shoujo mangaka, Jitsui should’ve learned to heed red flags.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slam dunks keyboard* told myself i'd update within the month and it's sTILL JUNE HERE
> 
> anyways, here's Jitsui's side of the situation! aaah I know before I said it's not necessary to read Déjà Vu to understand this fic, but I didn't realize how much I'd integrate that plot into this fic ((ﾟ□ﾟ;)) I still don't think it's necessary to read it but it might help give a better understanding! Just know that while Jitsui and Hatano are trying to find each other, Miyoshi and Kaminaga are also going through their own struggle.
> 
> aah but nonetheless, I hope you guys enjoy! Thanks for reading~ ヾ(*'▽'*)

_Just as Jitsui had thought, Hatano proved to be a capable ally._ _Not only was Hatano physically adept, but he was cunning and quite intelligent too. Together, they made up for each other's weaknesses and used each other's strengths to their advantage. Due to their skills, they've managed to garner some respect since the first day of training, though a few of the other trainees still looked down on them. But that was no matter since it was, for the most part, as planned._

 _What Jitsui didn't plan on, however, was becoming_ too _attached to Hatano._

_When he first realized his feelings, Jitsui found himself at a loss. His instinct was simply to throw these feelings away. Having them was dangerous considering their line of work. They were spies -- monsters -- whose only purpose was their mission; any emotions could cause problems. Time and time again, that rule was drilled into his head. Be that as it may, perhaps Jitsui was more selfish than he thought he was._

_Though it seemed that while his head was in turmoil, his heart had already made its decision._

_"You're not joining the others?" Jitsui asked, finding Hatano seated by himself in the recreation room. Setting down the bourbon bottle and the glasses he carried, he sat down next to him._

_Hatano lazily turned towards him as the bottle clinked against the counter, his droopy eyes looking at him causing his heart to flutter. Trying to maintain his composure, he uncapped the bottle._

_"Don't feel like kicking their asses any further," Hatano said as if it were a regular occurrence (and it might as well be). "Just wouldn't be fair to them."_

_As he began pouring the drink out, Jitsui's lips quirked up. Prideful he may be, Hatano wasn't one to boast his talents like Miyoshi. He was well aware of his strengths, but never showed them off unnecessarily and for that, Jitsui had to admire him._

_"You didn't strike me as the humble type," Jitsui said, a teasing lilt in his voice._

_In a typical Hatano-fashion, he snorted. Not mocking, just amused._

_"Wouldn't say that exactly. Everyone else just needs to step their game up."_

_"Even me?" Jitsui asked, wearing one of his not-so-angelic smiles._

_That got Hatano to pause and he looked at him as if his words were a threat. But soon enough, a smirk grew on his face, the same one he gave whenever they shared something just between them two._

_"You're not half bad," he said, shrugging._

_"What a compliment," Jitsui said, exaggerating the joy in his tone. "I'm_ so _honored."_

_"Don't let it get to your head now, 'kay?"_

_"Of course, sensei," Jitsui said, matching Hatano's growing smile. He gave a small bow of the head and when he rose back to full height, he handed him a glass. "Care for a drink?"_

_Hatano eyed it for a moment, as if trying to figure out whether or not it'd been spiked._

_"...You celebrating something?"_

_"You were impressive in training today." It was Jitsui's turn to shrug. After all, he'd said nothing but the truth. "Think of it as a reward of sorts."_

_The chatters of the other trainees filled the lull in their conversation as Hatano considered his words. Then, with some hesitance, Hatano took the glass from him._

_"It's not a big deal," he said, their fingers brushing together. Hatano's hand lingered for a moment longer than necessary, but it left a burning sensation nonetheless. "But thanks."_

_And as Hatano took a sip, Jitsui did the same to keep himself from admiring too long. These feelings were dangerous, yes, but he would like to keep them just for a while longer. He would need to deal with them eventually, but for now, he took pleasure in these moments together._

* * *

Jitsui considered himself a patient man; after all, patience was key if one wanted to get the job done.

Of course, patience wasn't without its tribulations. The idle life of the Shirahata's drove him mad, but acting as anything other than the meek Morishima Kunio would've blown his cover. Some days were harder than others, yes, but he managed to play his role perfectly with little qualms. Though, that didn't stop him from thanking whatever higher beings that might've existed when it was finally time for him to act.

Creating a manga, while a different skill, required that same patience he held while undercover. He couldn't count the number of sketches he'd thrown away simply because one little thing was off, and don't even get him started on inking; he'd rather spend fifty years at the Shirahata's villa than ink one panel of a page. But it was worth it for that sense of accomplishment whenever he looked at the finished product.

Both situations, however, seemed to pale in comparison to waiting for a simple message.

When Gamou said he would text him back with Hatano's address, Jitsui expected it to take five minutes at the most. Somehow, five minutes turned into fifteen minutes; fifteen minutes into thirty; and finally thirty turned into an hour.

One whole hour with no response. In that time, Jitsui had managed to finish writing the letter, get some sketches done, and eat the last of the mochi (to which he made a mental note to buy more before Miyoshi noticed). As he checked his phone for the umpteenth time, he frowned. Either Gamou had forgotten to respond back or he'd gotten nothing yet. Considering Gamou was actually pretty reliable, it was most likely the latter.

"You're going to break your phone if you strangle it any longer."

Jitsui nearly crushed his phone at the sound of Miyoshi's voice, turning towards him as calmly as possible. Miyoshi, in turn, looked back with an amused glint in his eyes as he sat on the couch.

"Do you need anything?" he asked instead of humoring Miyoshi's gibe.

"Nothing in particular." Miyoshi shrugged. "Do you not enjoy my presence?"

"I suppose I've had worse company," Jitsui said, glancing at his phone again. "I thought you'd be in your room for the rest of the evening."

A beat.

"It's rather quiet," Miyoshi said, inspecting his fingernails as if to appear disinterested.

When he didn't offer any further explanation, Jitsui looked down at the papers sprawled out before him and his blank phone screen.

"It is, isn't it?"

Miyoshi let out a low hum.

"How is it going for you?"

Jitsui opened his mouth, almost ready to talk about the latest chapter of _Le Loup,_ when he realized that, frankly, Miyoshi didn't care too much about that. Surely he must've meant the other situation at hand.

"...No progress."

"No progress?" Miyoshi tore his gaze off his nails and towards him. "What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said." Jitsui didn't meet his eyes. "I haven't gotten any more responses."

"Are you sure you have the right person?"

"Of course I am," Jitsui said with more force than necessary. Taking a moment to collect himself, Jitsui turned to Miyoshi. "It's him. I know that for sure."

"But he'd have replied back by now if it was him, no?"

Even if Jitsui had no doubts, Miyoshi raised a fair point. He recalled the keywords that tipped him off to Hatano's identity, though perhaps it was a coincidence. If he'd recognized him, he would've jumped at the opportunity to reconnect for sure. It might've been the shoujo genre rubbing off on him, but Jitsui didn't want to believe it was happenstance. In his previous life, he'd be considered foolish for having such naive hopes. But as it was now, Jitsui didn't care. He trusted his judgement and he trusted Hatano -- he trusted what they had.

"He's a man of his word," Jitsui said. "I can wait."

He was a patient man, after all.

* * *

Patience comes as patience goes, and Jitsui was just as on the edge as he was on the most boring days at the Shirahata's. Though he tried to keep busy with other tasks, the situation was always on the back of his mind. Eventually he caved and signed onto Twitter mobile as a means of being notified of Hatano's reply right away. He usually left all things social media to Gamou, but he would make an exception just this once.

Still, he went about his life as usual and that meant attending classes. Going through every single notification and replying to every single one of his fans would be preferable to listening to this professor drone on and on, but he took his notes nevertheless, neat and well organized. Halfway through the lecture, his phone vibrated in his pocket, breaking the numbness he felt himself slipping into. After so many false alarms, he had half the mind to ignore it, but his boredom and curiosity won him over. Besides, he could just read the textbook to catch up on everything taught today.

Bracing himself for disappointment, Jitsui took his phone out. But when he looked at the screen, he nearly choked on his saliva. Fortunately, he was able to save face but he'd dropped his pen in his shock. Never mind the pen, though, he had more pressing issues at hand.

Quickly unlocking his phone, he went straight to his direct messages and found his conversation with Hatano.

_Hey_

_Sorry for the late response. Here’s my address_

Well, he had to admit, that was anticlimactic. But what mattered now was that he had Hatano's address and he was one step closer to him. Usually he had more self-control than this, but Jitsui couldn't help the urge to reply back personally.

_No worries! It'll be there in two to three business days. Hopefully it's not too long a wait, but think of it as a reward of sorts (bunny emoji)_

Reading through Hatano's message again, Jitsui realized Hatano's address wasn't too far from where he lived. In fact, he could walk right over there from his place. Had they always been this close to each other? Maybe they might've even passed each other without noticing. To think that they could've found each other sooner -- could've been together sooner -- had they been at the right place at the same time. If fate or destiny existed, then certainly they enjoyed toying with him.

His musings were interrupted when his phone vibrated again, though any hopes were dashed when he saw it was from Gamou.

His phone buzzed once more, but Jitsui ignored it. Gamou would surely chew his ear out later about "respecting the terms of their contract" or something similar to that, but Jitsui didn't care. With the promise of seeing Hatano soon, Jitsui found a new resolve to continue waiting.

* * *

Jitsui allowed three business days to accommodate delivery time. The postal service wouldn't take so long delivering such a small thing, but he didn't want to catch Hatano off guard when he visited him. Even so, Jitsui looked forward to that day, playing out their reunion in his mind whenever he had the time.

Though, as the days passed, Jitsui found himself doubting it. He was not superstitious in the slightest bit, but he couldn't deny the foreboding feeling that built up.

The first warning sign -- a red flag, if he would allow himself to say -- came the very day he dropped off the letter. He'd been cleaning up his work space, having had enough of producing unsatisfactory sketches, when he noticed how late it'd gotten. His schedule followed that he'd arrive home before Miyoshi, but even this was rather late for him. Of course, Miyoshi was his own person and was capable of taking care of himself, but he hadn't received word from him since that morning. As he was about to message him, the front door opened to reveal a slightly disheveled Miyoshi.

"I'm home."

"Welcome home," Jitsui said, noting how tired Miyoshi sounded. "Something about you seems... _off_."

Miyoshi paused, staring at Jitsui with a blank expression before turning to the mirror on the wall.

"I could've sworn I fixed my hair up back there," he muttered, lips curling down as his hands shifted through his hair.

"Did something happen?" Jitsui asked, not bothering to hide his amusement.

Barely sparing him a glance, Miyoshi said, "It's been a long day."

Jitsui merely waited, knowing that Miyoshi would talk on his own pace. For now, he watched as Miyoshi put himself together with hints of discomfort on his face.

"I saw Kaminaga today," Miyoshi said, once his hair started to bear some semblance of its usual style.

Jitsui perked up.

"Oh?"

Miyoshi's lips twitched.

"He got knocked out."

Jitsui bit back a laugh.

"Pardon?"

"You heard me." Miyoshi's hands dropped to his sides, keeping his gaze on his reflection. Though he appeared to be calm, there was an underlying frustration in his voice that Jitsui could only pick up after knowing him for so long. "I tried to find the hospital he was in, but it didn't work out."

A pause.

"I thought for sure today would be the day," Miyoshi added, his voice growing low.

As tempted as he was to be cheeky about the whole thing, Jitsui restrained himself. He certainly didn't want to be on the receiving end of Miyoshi's ire. Moreover, he could easily place himself in Miyoshi's shoes -- chasing down remnants of years gone by only to lose them once they were within reach.

"So," Jitsui started. "What do you plan on doing then?"

The words hung heavily in the air and after a moment, Miyoshi turned to him.

"I'll get him next time," he said.

Without speaking any further, he proceeded to walk towards his bedroom but paused briefly when he reached Jitsui.

"By the way, Fukumoto says hello."

With that, Miyoshi disappeared into his bedroom, leaving Jitsui alone.

A failed second meeting. Though their situations differed in many aspects, he and Miyoshi essentially shared the same problem. Jitsui did not believe in fate or luck, neither chance nor coincidence, but it seemed as if something was getting in Miyoshi's way. And if things were going awry for him, who was to say it wouldn't for him?

Shaking those feelings off, Jitsui resumed cleaning up his work space. He couldn't afford to think like this.

-

The second red flag came the following day. While not directly related to the situation at hand, it created a bit of a complication.

"What do you mean the deadline has been pushed up?" Jitsui asked with an eerie calmness as his grip tightened on his phone. This was the last thing he wanted to hear, especially after a particularly tiresome school day. Around him, the other students rushed to avoid him.

Gamou was unfazed for the most part, though kudos to him for putting on a brave front. He sighed, long and deep, before speaking again.

"I know this is short notice and you were supposed to come back after the next issue, but one of the other mangakas is having health problems and they needed someone to fill in a slot."

Originally, Jitsui requested a month's break to get a sense of how his school schedule and work schedule would align. Of course, he still worked on _Le Loup_ whenever he got the chance because he was no slacker, but it was nice to work at a leisurely pace for once. Now this meant he had to work double time. Not to mention, this would probably cut into what he had planned.

"That mangaka is Ms. Ishida, isn't it?" There was not a hint of concern in Jitsui's voice. "I'll show her health problems --"

"Listen, Jitsui," Gamou said. " _Tulip_ needs to make sales and you're one of the most popular mangakas. They're going to grab you any chance they get."

There was silence on Gamou's end and Jitsui imagined him pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Please just get it done."

"No need to worry," Jitsui said in that sickeningly sweet voice of his. "I'll have it ready."

With that, he ended the call, fortunate that he didn't break his phone out of sheer annoyance. If he could get everything or a majority of his work done by Tuesday, then things could still go according to plan. That would mean for the next couple of days, he'd have to work nonstop. Hell it might be, but it would be worth it if he could meet and spend time with Hatano without having to worry about deadlines.

If this was the case, then he supposed he should see if Odagiri had time to help out. Not like Odagiri was busy with anything else in the first place.

-

The biggest red flag raised when he returned after a quick supply run and found Miyoshi home already. Before he could open his mouth to announce his return, Odagiri, who'd been helping with the screentones, made eye contact with him. He nodded towards Miyoshi, who sat on the couch with his arms crossed and a frown on his face. The look on Odagiri's face screamed "I don't know how to deal with this."

"Welcome home," Miyoshi said, breaking the silence. Odagiri promptly returned to the screentones.

"...I'm home," Jitsui said, taking his place at the kotatsu. In his peripheral, he watched Miyoshi carefully. He didn't appear to be angry nor upset, though this was more worrisome than either combined.

"Don't mind me," Miyoshi said, as if reading his thoughts. "I'm just merely observing, is all."

"Do what you wish," Jitsui said. Miyoshi rarely watched Jitsui work any longer than necessary, claiming he had better things to do, so already this seemed suspicious. Once again, Odagiri met his eyes, an unspoken plea to talk to Miyoshi going on between them.

As they worked, there was no discussion about what seemed to be the matter but Miyoshi chimed in occasionally with one of his "critiques" and even Jitsui seemed to have a bit of mercy on Odagiri this time around, considering the lack of tears and anguish. By the time they'd wrapped things up, there were only a few pages left to finish. Nothing that they couldn't handle by the deadline, and it left enough time for him to visit Hatano -- that, he was thankful for.

When Odagiri left, Jitsui allowed a moment just in case Miyoshi was willing to speak first. When he didn't, he spoke up.

"What's wrong?" he asked, cutting to the chase. It was better to deal with the matter headfirst than skirt around it.

Miyoshi was silent for a moment, looking at Jitsui with an unreadable expression.

"I may have..." He trailed off, lips pursing as if disgusted with what he was about to say. "Miscalculated."

Jitsui froze, replaying the words in his head. That was the closest thing to failure Miyoshi had ever admitted. Had the situation been any different, he would've taken this as the opportunity to make fun of him. But with the way Miyoshi was behaving, he knew he wasn't to take this lightly.

"Miscalculated, how?"

Before speaking again, Miyoshi took a breath.

"I didn't account for Sakuma," he said, choosing his words carefully. "And I believe Kaminaga may have seen us together and jumped to a conclusion."

Jitsui didn't need clarification on what he meant, wincing as he easily figured out how this scenario played out. Even if they weren't together anymore, Sakuma and Miyoshi were on fairly good terms. And in so, Miyoshi's teasing was ever the same and could be misconstrued as otherwise. How troublesome, Jitsui thought, it must be to deal with a third party like this.

Still, it felt wrong to see Miyoshi like this. His eyes had lost their usual determination and even the way he held himself appeared weak. He, too, knew the pain of separation and could only imagine what it was like to constantly lose what was so close. Gods and deities might not exist, but Jitsui found himself praying that the same would not happen to him.

"Are you all right?" Jitsui asked, reaching out to Miyoshi in a rare gesture of comfort.

Jitsui's touch seemed to break Miyoshi out of his thoughts and he looked at him, his eyes widening for a brief moment. He opened his mouth, ready to speak again, but thought better of it and shook his head.

"You have other matters to deal with, no?" Though phrased like a question, Jitsui knew it was his way of closing the conversation. "Don't worry about me. I'll... figure it out."

Removing Jitsui's hand from his shoulder, Miyoshi went off to his room and Jitsui let him be. Miyoshi hadn't asked for his help, and it'd only bother him more if he tried to butt in. It wasn't that he didn't trust that he'd be okay but if things weren't looking well for Miyoshi, what did that mean for him?

He hoped things would work out. For all of them.

* * *

As much as he'd been looking forward to the day he planned on visiting Hatano, Jitsui woke up with that foreboding feeling at its apex. Try as he might to shake it off, the most he could do was ignore it. He took comfort in his dreams -- his memories -- of a time where he and Hatano had still been together, where he was still working out his exact feelings for him, and let that power him through the day.

The seconds dragged on, as did his classes and every human interaction he made. It was a miracle he went through it all without snapping at anyone, but he survived it all. As soon as the school day ended for him, he took his usual route home but went the opposite direction once he got off the train station.

Admittedly, he wasn't too familiar with this area but he hurried on over to Hatano's apartment nonetheless. When he reached the building, he grew more uneasy and hesitant with each step. His stomach twisted in all sorts of ways, contorting with fear and excitement. But he couldn't afford to start doubting himself -- their relationship -- now. He'd already gotten this far, and he was going to his see plan through. And so taking a moment to regain his composure, Jitsui walked in.

The front door had been opened by the time he got there and the elevator was already down waiting in the lobby so he took both of those as good signs. As the elevator climbed up to the third floor, Jitsui breathed in and out, trying to keep as calm as possible. It was only Hatano, he reminded himself. It shouldn't be such a big deal.

But because it _was_ Hatano, it was a big deal, wasn't it? As he got off the elevator and towards Hatano's apartment, these thoughts ran through his mind. There was the possibility that he wasn't the same Hatano he once knew, the possibility that he no longer had feelings for him, or the possibility that he might not even remember him. Yes, he'd played every single worst-case scenario and prepared himself for each of them. But even if they were all true, Jitsui would love him all the same because he was _his_ Hatano, no matter what.

Finally, Jitsui reached Hatano's apartment, the door the only thing standing between them now. He could hear voices on the other side, which meant that someone, even if it wasn't Hatano, was there. Now all he had to do was ring the doorbell. Without any further hesitations, he did just so and waited.

The voices on the other side quieted down.

The sounds of footsteps grew louder as they approached the door.

The latch was unchained and unlocked.

And the door opened to reveal a man who was most certainly not Hatano.

Jitsui blinked, letting himself take in the sight before him. Taking another look at the man, his slicked back hair was the same shade of brown as Hatano's and they shared the same button nose, but that was where the similarities ended. This man was taller and wore a disgruntled expression; his eyes were not the droopy ones he'd come to adore, but sharp, tired, and unwelcoming.

"What do you want?" the man asked, annoyance seeping through his tone.

Though this man was most likely Hatano's father, Jitsui didn't like the way he spoke to him one bit.

"Good afternoon, sir." Jitsui used his sickeningly sweet tone and put on the matching smile. "I'm a classmate of Hatano's and I was wondering if he was around?"

"What business do you have with him?"

"We're working on a project together," he said, the first excuse to come to mind.

Mr. Ryousuke didn't speak immediately, instead eyeing him from top to bottom as if trying to figure out his worth. Then, he snorted.

"I didn't realize the kid had more friends than those idiots," he muttered to himself.

"...I'm sorry?"

"Nothing," he said, returning to his previous demeanor. "Hatano's not here."

He was obviously lying, Jitsui recalling more than one voice speaking just a few moments ago. Nevertheless, he played along. It wouldn't do him well to do anything rash.

"I see," he said. "When will he be back?"

"Later."

Jitsui's eye twitched.

"Can you at least tell him I dropped by? I --"

"Sure thing. Now get lost."

And before he could say anything else, the door was slammed in his face.

Jitsui couldn't tell how long he stood there, still and silent. Likewise, there was no sign of life to be heard on the other side of the door. He'd run through every worst-case scenario -- except for this one it seemed. And this was worse than anything he could've possibly imagined. It would've been one thing if it was Hatano himself who'd rejected him, but the fact that it was his father who'd denied him a chance got his blood boiling.

How easy it would be to just let it end there; he could just turn around and leave this all behind him. The letter had already been sent, and that was all he really needed to do. From there, it was up to the two of them to make the most of the situation. While he didn't know what Hatano's thoughts on the matter was, what he _did_ know was that Hatano was on the other side of the door. He'd faced tougher hardships than this before and he'd managed to overcome every single one of them.

And so, Jitsui decided, he wouldn't let an annoyance such as this get in his way. It was just a matter of working around it, and work around it he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow are u guys ready for some melodrama bc i sure am ~~tfw u realize that _u_ have become the shoujo writer~~
> 
> haha anyways, I hope I didn't keep you guys waiting too long! but hopefully I'll be able to wrap this up soon~ thank you guys so much for always reading!! hope you all have a lovely day/night~! ٩(●˙▿˙●)۶


	5. Hatano III: Days of Suffering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hatano could deal with a lot of shit, but even this was too much for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *wheezes* as promised, here's an update for november...!! i'm so so so sooo sorry this took so long to get out (and even then i feel like this could've been better orz), but life got in the way plus i was starting to doubt myself a lot ;; but i'm here! and i'm gonna finish this no matter what!! ( •̀ᄇ• ́)ﻭ✧
> 
> just a forewarning: things get kinda heavy towards the end between hatano and his dad; it's not graphic or too detailed, but if you guys are uneasy with that, feel free to skim/skip over it (it's the fourth section)
> 
> thank you guys for your patience, i hope you enjoy this chapter! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

_As hazy as his recollections may be, Hatano recognized this room. Though perhaps it wasn't the room itself, but whom sat on the other end of it. The hardwood floors were the same as any, just as the beige walls and wooden shelves that lined every other room were. But he could pick out that familiar head of black hair from anywhere, even if facing away from him._

_Hatano couldn't recall why he'd entered the room nor why he'd sought Jitsui out in the first place, but a mischievous grin grew on his face. As quietly as possible, he crept into the room and stopped short behind Jitsui. He waited one second, two, three --_

_"Boo."_

_Slamming his hands onto Jitsui's shoulders, Jitsui hardly reacted save for the quirk of his body._

_"Can't you let me have my fun?" Hatano said, feigning annoyance. Jitsui's next words were lost on him, though, as he took a seat next to him. But his body knew the act by heart and went through the motions as usual: he scoffed, placing his hands behind his head as he leaned back in his seat._

_"That's an insult if I've heard one."_

_"Don't worry --" Jitsui's lips read. "You --"_

_"Gee, thanks."_

_The conversation dipped into a lull, which allowed Hatano to observe him. Even if he couldn't make out his features, he'd have to be blind not to notice how different Jitsui appeared. The black frames he wore were the most obvious point, but it was also in the the way he held himself (shrinking inwards, not refined and professional) and the way he'd marked his place in the book he held (bookmarked, not doggy-eared). And maybe, just maybe, the looming sense of separation didn't help the matter either._

_"The glasses look suits you," Hatano said finally._

_"You --" Jitsui took them off his face, running a hand through his hair. Just like that, the Jitsui he'd always known sat before him._

_"Mhm, fits a bookworm like you." He glanced at the book that rested on Jitsui's lap. "Mythology? Didn't think you were into that."_

_"-- not --" Jitsui placed the glasses on the table beside them. "-- Kunio --"_

_The name brought about a sense of sorrow that Hatano couldn't quite place, one that he pushed back immediately as soon as it sprung up._

_"Yeah? Then what does Kunio think of it?"_

_"Enjoyable --"_

_"I'll take your word on that,_ but _\--" He grabbed the glasses, pushing them high up the bridge of his nose, and brushed his bangs up. "-- maybe Shimano would."_

_Without missing a beat, Jitsui curled into himself like a shrinking violet. Even the way he thumbed the book matched the demeanor he now took on, handling it with gentleness._

_“-- sure?”_

_"Try me."_

_Writing off the gaps in the tale as his incomplete memories would've been an easy lie; the myth Jitsui -- Kunio, rather -- told didn't interest Hatano in the slightest. But he wouldn't be a very good actor, much less a spy, if he couldn't pretend to be interested, so Hatano -- acting as Shimano -- listened to the Egyptian tale of Osiris and Isis. From what he could glean, they'd been lovers separated by Osiris' death. Isis, distraught, searched for Osiris' body parts to put him back together. While she'd succeeded, Osiris' resurrection made him king of the Underworld, keeping them away from each other once more. Surely Jitsui had been more detailed, but that was the gist of it._

_"You were right," Hatano said, taking the glasses off and shaking his hair back in place. "I didn't care at all."_

_"-- the one listening --" Jitsui mouthed. "What --"_

_Hatano hummed, pretending to think about his response._

_"Searching for a lost lover seems like a waste of time, doesn't it?" He shrugged. "Sure Isis brought Osiris back, but what's the point if they're going to be separated again?"_

_"Depends --"_

_"Wow, didn't realize you were a romantic deep down inside," he said with a teasing lilt._

_Though he couldn't make out his expression, Hatano grew warm underneath Jitsui's gaze._

_"I'd do the same," his lips read, and Hatano didn't need to be told for whom. "Wouldn't you?"_

_Taken aback, Hatano merely stared at Jitsui. He mulled over his next words, wary of their surroundings._

_"Careful," he said, trying to maintain the levity in his voice. "Someone might think you're actually capable of love."_

_To this, Jitsui gave no reply. Instead, he smiled -- a rather sweet smile that Hatano decided suited him the best. And in return, Hatano smiled back._

_They soon fell into a silence, but Hatano didn't mind in the slightest._ _Considering everything going around them, he could almost believe they were at peace in this little bubble of theirs. There'd be no goodbyes between them when they left for their missions and he'd have to pretend as if what they had never existed -- that Jitsui didn't exist._

_But had the circumstances been different, had fate been a little kinder towards them, Hatano would've answered Jitsui's question with an "Of course." He would do anything for him, after all._

* * *

Forgetful he may be, Hatano still considered himself a perceptive guy.

Minor details like what shirt somebody was wearing or what he did for the day often escaped him, but patterns in behavior were ingrained to his mind. Cycles of repetition made it easier to catch nuances in behavior, whether they be a change in tone or even a simple gesture. No matter how good the actor may be, there was always some hint of their true intentions in their actions.

Take his dad, for example. The guy was always an ass towards him, but now he was just taciturn and evasive.

And it all started with that unknown visitor.

The first incident, Hatano could brush off as nothing; they didn't typically get visitors -- especially unannounced ones, at that -- so of course his dad would get upset. Sure, he was bitchier than usual, but he'd give him the benefit of the doubt just this once.

The second time around, however, Hatano couldn't ignore as easily.

It was strange enough to have someone drop by one day, but it was a flat out abnormality for it to happen twice in a row.

Hatano hardly had time to think when the doorbell rang, having been hit with a migraine as soon as he stepped into the house on top of pondering the whereabouts of the letter. By the time he stumbled off his bed, he heard the door being unlocked.

By all means, he could've just minded his own business, flop back into bed and try to sleep the pain off, but curiosity won him over and his feet dragged him out into the hallway with Yoru following in tow. Staying hidden, Hatano strained his ears to catch the conversation.

"Good afternoon," the person behind the door said. At the sound of those words, Hatano's heart skipped a beat. Though he couldn't see who it was, he could tell it was a guy's voice -- polite, refined, and most importantly, _familiar_. But much to his frustration, he couldn't place exactly where he'd heard it.

His dad clicked his tongue, bringing Hatano's attention back to the present.

"You again."

A pause.

"Yes, it's me again," the other man said. Though soft spoken, an underlying edge crept into his voice. "You said Hatano would be around later and since it's later, I was wondering if he was around?"

Hatano furrowed his eyebrows. His dad never mentioned anyone looking for him.

"Sorry, kid. He's not here."

"Then could you tell me when he'll be back -- _exactly_?"

"I wouldn't be able to tell you; he's back when he's back. Now leave."

Something blocked the door as his dad closed it. From this angle, Hatano couldn't see what was going on outside, but he could only assume it was the other guy who’d done it.

"I'm sorry, but --"

"I said _leave_." Without giving him a chance to finish, his dad pushed him back and slammed the door with finality.

The air suffocated him, much like how the tension stabbed his head. It seemed that the other guy had given up for the day but his dad made no sign of moving, staring at the door as if daring it to respond. Hatano waited, counting his heartbeats before stepping out into the living room.

"Who was that?" Hatano asked as casually as he possibly could.

A beat.

"No one important," his dad said, slowly turning to him.

"Same shit head as yesterday?"

His dad's lips twitched.

"Yeah."

His dad gave no further explanation, not like he expected him to in the first place. The annoyance written all over his face told him more than he needed, anyways.

As his dad retreated into his own room, Hatano looked back towards the door. The very fact that someone was looking for him was difficult to swallow, especially given his small social circle. The guy certainly didn't sound like any of his friends nor could he think of anyone who'd want anything to do with him. Even so, his eyes drifted down to his wrist, yet he couldn't find it in himself to be sure.

He couldn't rely on naive hopes, he'd learned that long ago. Regardless, Hatano made note to keep watch. The missing letter, the unknown visitor, his dad's attitude -- something was up, and not for the better.

* * *

Hatano had stopped anticipating anything in the mail but that didn’t stop the disappointment that struck up at the sight of the empty mailbox. Sometimes, being a monster seemed easier than dealing with these human feelings.

Thankful for the minimal contact with his dad upon his return, Hatano made his way to his room. As much as he wanted to rest his throbbing head, he ripped off the post-it note that he'd stuck onto his headboard and checked off "mailbox." Underneath it, "visitor" had yet to be touched. If there was a pattern to be seen, it was that these two happened to coincide.

He clicked his tongue as he checked his watch, berating himself for not taking down the time. That might've been a smart idea, but whatever. It'd happen eventually. In the meantime, Yoru's meows filled the room and while he loved the fur ball, he could only take so much before his head exploded.

"What d'ya want, bud?" He said, kneeling down to scratch the underside of Yoru's neck.

All of a sudden, a clank resounded, causing him to jump as he'd been too focused on petting Yoru. He looked around and nearly dismissed it as nothing when another clank followed, his hand raising to his head to settle down his headache. His mind raced, scrambling to find the most likely source of the noise. As far as he knew, there wasn't anything that could've made such a loud sound.

Well, maybe there was one thing.

Yoru tailed after him as he made his way towards the balcony. The only thing he could think of was outside -- the fire escape to be exact. The trap door was the only thing he could think of that was heavy enough to make such a noise. Then again, if it _was_ the fire escape, why the hell was it making that noise? At a first glance, he saw nothing out of the ordinary. Then he heard another clanking sound, stronger this time, and moved to slide open the door. Just as his hands gripped the handle, his father called out.

"Hatano!"

Hatano huffed, debating on whether or not he should humor his dad.

"Yeah?" he called back, only to get no response.

" _What_?" He tried again to no avail. Rolling his eyes so hard they could've fell out of his sockets, he turned away just as another clank rang out.

"Be right back," he told Yoru. "Keep an eye out for me, 'kay?"

With Yoru's meow of affirmation, Hatano took one last glance outside the balcony before leaving his room. It probably wasn't a big deal anyways, he thought to keep his nerves down. Still, that didn't stop him from wondering.

* * *

Usually, Hatano could deal with his migraines and suck it up to go about his day, but there were times where he wanted nothing more than the sweet relief of death. As he burrowed his head deeper into his pillow, he made such a wish to rid himself of the damn stabbing in his head. It must've been a culmination of all the stress from the past couple of days, where he felt like he was going outta his goddamn mind; having been constantly on the edge, it'd gotten to the point where he swore he heard someone calling his name. Who? He didn't know. Either way, he simply couldn't bring himself to get out of bed, let alone crack open his eyes.  

Days to himself were far and few in between and if not for his current state, Hatano would've have taken advantage of the time alone. His dad was out at work so he was free to do as he pleased, which meant he could've even done more investigating on that mystery visitor. Though, he supposed, there wasn't much to be done about that. Even if he had his suspicions, he couldn’t determine anything was a sign from them. Well, good thing he was incapacitated -- he wouldn't have been able to do a damn thing if they actually stopped by.

Fur filled his vision, Yoru's meows greeting him like nails against a chalkboard. He reached out to pet him, partly to silence him, partly to find some semblance of being alive. He managed to quiet Yoru down into a purr -- much like a flick to the forehead -- but that only spurred Yoru into pawing at him. Deigning himself to the outside world, Hatano squinted at him.

"Need something?" he asked. Yoru mewled in reply. Hatano sighed.

"Can it wait? 'm kinda preoccupied." Lazily, he gestured to his head. Yoru's reply was to stare at him, his yellow eyes boring into his. With a look like that, Hatano knew he wasn't gonna win.

" _Okay_ ," he said. "Give me a sec."

Mentally counting to ten, Hatano hauled himself up from bed and rolled out. He landed on his feet rather unsteadily, but brushed it off as he made a face at Yoru.

"Lead the way," he said, exhausted.

As much as he detested special treatment, Hatano was glad Yoru didn't move too quickly. His own steps were but stumbles in comparison to his, what with his migraine making it difficult to walk around. Though it was a short trip, it seemed to last longer than one of Tazaki's pigeon care lessons and he'd nearly blanked out when Yoru stopped. He nearly tripped over him as his hand slammed against the nearest surface to keep him steady. With that, the door in front of him creaked open and it was then that Hatano realized where Yoru brought him.

"...You sure 'bout this?" he asked, peering into the room. It wasn't that he'd never been in his dad's room before, but he never went in unless absolutely necessary. Maybe he needed to stop watching horror movies, but it felt like cold air hung around the room like some ghost haunted it.

In response, Yoru pushed the door open further. Hatano hugged himself as a shiver ran through his body, missing his chance to scold Yoru as Yoru ventured in further. Resigning himself to Yoru's judgement, he trudged after him. Yoru's last stop was the drawer that stood opposite to them, and he climbed on top of it before beckoning Hatano with his yellow eyes. His tail swung back and forth across the top drawer as if signalling him. After a moment's hesitation, Hatano stepped forward and inspected it.

"Open it?"

Yoru blinked slowly.

Running his hands across the wood, he found a keyhole in the center. He clicked his tongue as he pulled on it to no avail. But dammit, he was no quitter. He gripped onto the handles, using the pressure from his migraine to edge him on, and after a few pulls, the drawer popped open.

"All right, so... what am I looking for?"

A meow.

"Very helpful." Nonetheless, he began shifting through the drawer's contents.

Hatano wasn't sure what surprised him more: the fact that his dad kept this stuff or that it existed at all. To the side were some certificates, a ripped up marriage certificate and his birth certificate right underneath. On top of them was a tarnished ring, a wedding ring from the looks of it. Further on was a family picture from when he was a toddler, or what was left of it anyways. His mother was torn off, the tear cutting right into his own face. As he reached out for it, something else caught his eye -- an envelope. With _his_ name on it.

Everything else now forgotten, Hatano grabbed it immediately. Flipping it back and forth, Hatano noted two things: the letter had already been opened and the sender's name was painstakingly familiar. Wasting no time, Hatano pulled the letter out and began reading.

_Dear Hatano,_

_Hopefully this has met the right person. If it has, then I won't be keeping this too long. Admittedly, part of it is because I'm not quite sure what to say. Ironic, isn't it? I've spent a long time wanting to see you again but now that you're within reach, I find myself speechless. For now, I'll put down my feelings as best as I can._

_There are stories of lost loves, of the harrowing journeys taken to find them, and there was once a life where I'd found them far-fetched. After all, there are other things to do than wasting it on a futile search for some person. But thinking about it -- about us -- I'd do the same, wouldn't you? Perhaps this will sound cliche, but I've found that cliches do just the trick. I don't know if you feel the same, if you remember me, or have any idea of what I'm talking about, but that's okay. It's funny how much just the memory of someone can influence you, and how much you've motivated me even if you weren't by my side. I just wanted to let you know that even if I haven't met you in this lifetime, you're still important to me._

_With that said, I hope you don't mind me dropping by and that we can catch up then._

_Love,_

_Jitsui_

The letter tight in his grip, Hatano stumbled backwards and fell right onto the bed behind him. So. He was right. Kunio was Jitsui, Jitsui was Kunio -- the very same guy. Getting that confirmation, Hatano felt a weight lift off his shoulders, the ache in his head beginning to dull. To think that Jitsui had been looking for him, too, this whole time -- even longer than he'd been, in fact. It was a concept Hatano could barely wrap his mind around, the concept that someone had _missed_ him and _wanted_ him.

But it was just as the words he'd read began to sink in that Hatano realized the circumstances in which he'd found the letter: a locked drawer in his dad's room, with the letter having already been opened. Not to mention, the letter was dated from last week. His dad had been keeping it from him, but Hatano couldn't fathom why. Before he could question it further, the doorbell rang.

He glanced towards the clock and saw that it was just about the time his dad came home, but he should've had his key on him. Regardless, Hatano carefully folded the letter and placed it in his pocket but not before giving the words another glance over. He then patted his pocket to make sure the letter was still there and headed towards the door.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to confront his dad about it now or not. But then again, if not now, then when? Perhaps he was more of a coward than he thought he was. As Hatano beat himself up over the matter, he slowly removed the hatch and unlocked the door. Allowing himself a moment's breath, he swung it open, only to grow numb at what greeted him.

"Hatano?"

His breath caught at the sound of his name, the voice so familiar but yet not so. Similarly, he knew the head of obsidian black hair, the cherubic face, and the porcelain skin; vaguely, he recalled dreams that felt far out of reach. And the eyes, especially -- though he couldn't remember seeing them, he knew those big, dark brown eyes. He knew him, and Hatano had never felt so sure of anything in his life.

There was a name on the tip of his tongue. His thoughts drifted to the characters written on his wrist.

"Ji --"

"Excuse me." His dad's voice cut in, Jitsui suddenly being pulled back as his dad entered the fray. "We're not having visitors right now."

Before Hatano could even process what was happening, his dad pushed him back into the house. Too stunned to even think, Hatano stood numbly as his dad locked the door behind them. Loud bangs reverberated throughout the room from the other side, the door practically reaching off its hinges, but his dad paid no mind to them. It was only until his dad passed him by, their shoulders touching ever so briefly, that Hatano snapped back into reality.

"What the hell was that about!?" Hatano said the first thing to come to mind, repercussions be damned.

"What the hell was what?" His dad was as dismissive as always, only adding more fire to Hatano's temper.

"You know _exactly_ what I mean."

Still, his dad continued playing it off as he put his belongings away.

"It's none of your business."

"Are you shitting me?" Without thinking, Hatano grabbed his dad by the collar, their gazes clashing against each other's. In any other situation, Hatano would've hated laying an eye on the man -- equal parts spite and fear -- but now, all he saw was a target to beat the crap out of. "You keep things away from _me_ , and you say it's none of _my_ business?"

His dad remained silent, his stare piercing. It was only once the adrenaline started wearing off that Hatano began to think that maybe he should’ve gone about this differently. His grip loosened, and it was then that his dad shoved him onto the floor. Hatano hissed as his body made contact, his hands shooting out just in time to protect himself from too much damage.

"You live under  _my_ roof, don't you?" Towering over him, his dad grabbed the back of his head and forced him to look up. "I'm just doing what's best for you."

"What's best for me?" Hatano spat the words out. "You've done nothing but make my life hell!"

Hatano bit down on his lips, the iron taste of blood filling his tongue as his dad's grip on him tightened. Even if his heart pounded against his chest, he didn't once dare look away.

"Your mother left you in my care," his dad said, the coldness in his tone enough to send shivers down his body. "I'm just doing what she asked of me."

A bout of silence fell over the two, but Hatano wasn't about to let his dad have the last word.

"No wonder she left you."

His face slammed against the floor faster than he could comprehend. The side of his face was going to bruise for sure, if the stinging was anything to go by. But he had no time to take care of his wounds, as his dad forced him to look up again.

"Hate me all you want, but you're under _my_ rule, whether you like it or not."

His dad dropping his head against the floor, Hatano was left lying there. Attempting to get up proved useless, as he was too tired, too overwhelmed to pick himself up and fell back down. He didn't know how long he stayed there, but time didn't matter when he couldn't even think properly. It was only when Yoru neared him, prodding and poking him as if to make sure he was all right, that Hatano returned to his senses.

Slowly, Hatano sat up. The room had gone eerily silent after all the banging on the door that must've stopped some time ago. Looking at the window, Hatano noted how late it was as the sun had already set. Clicking his tongue, Hatano pet Yoru, letting his purrs soothe him.

"Well, that was a fucking mess," he said more to himself than anything. In return, Yoru nuzzled against him.

He sighed, trying to figure out all the thoughts running through his head. But if there was one thing he knew, he knew that he couldn't stay here. Not for the time being at least.

Taking the letter out from his pocket, he found the sender's address. It wasn't too far away from where he lived, actually, but something inside of him told him not to go tonight. It was late, was the excuse he thought of, but he knew deep down that he couldn't handle anything else going wrong today. Loathe as he is to admit it, he was scared. Of being wrong. Of being rejected. Of loss.

Regardless of his feelings, he knew he'd have to face it eventually. So picking himself up, Hatano wobbled into his room and began stuffing his belongings into his bag. With each thing he grabbed, a voice told him to drop it and stay put with what was familiar. Try as he might to ignore it, it only grew louder and louder until he'd gotten everything. As much as he entertained the thought of running away, he'd never actually gone through with it before. Leaving what was a shitty environment was for the better, but it was all Hatano knew, all he could remember, all he could grasp. Though, this wasn't really running away, was it? He'd come back once he'd dealt with everything, though he supposed the consequences would be the same. Then again, did his dad even care --

A meow came from his side, shaking him out of his thoughts. Right, he knew he was forgetting something.

"Let's go, Yoru," Hatano said, picking Yoru up. "We're taking a little trip."

Opening the balcony door, he slid down the fire escape.

* * *

Running away staggering on his feet and nursing a migraine probably wasn't his best idea, but no way in hell was he going back now. Since it was pretty late, Hatano could only hope that one of the guys saw one of his many texts. He reconsidered Kunio's (no -- Jitsui's, he reminded himself) address but decided that he wasn’t mentally prepared for that reunion yet. Talk big he may, but the thought of reuniting was a little daunting.

Just a little.

Okay.  _Very_ daunting. He didn't wanna keep Jitsui waiting, but he didn't wanna disappoint him with his current self either (despite no matter how many times he reassured himself that Jitsui didn't care, Jitsui would be happy to see him, Jitsui _cared_ about him). The most important thing now was that he had to get away from the place he called “home” and recollect himself.

Within a few seconds of him knocking, the door swung open to reveal a sleepy-eyed Tazaki.

"...Do you realize what time it is?" Tazaki mumbled.

"I know, I know," Hatano said, wasting no time stepping in and letting Yoru down. "I'll be gone in the morning, but I’ll pay you back somehow."

"You're always welcome here, you know," Tazaki said as he closed the door behind them. Once the lights were on, Hatano could clearly see the worry etched on Tazaki's face -- his furrowed eyebrows and the frown he wore. Then, Tazaki's eyes bulged and he reached out to touch his face. "Oh my God, are you all right!?"

Out of instinct, Hatano flinched but he reminded himself that it was just Tazaki and forced himself to relax.

"I am -- will be," he said, finding it difficult to keep eye contact with Tazaki. He turned away, setting his bag down. "It's just..." He trailed off, not even sure how to explain himself.

Now that he thought about it, he never really discussed anything that was going on lately with the guys; sending a text that said "im dropping by" in the dead of night didn't really count. Whether he was just tired or just truly speechless, Hatano couldn't find the words to speak even after all that happened. So instead, he put a hand on Tazaki's arm. "There's a _lot_ going on; I'll explain later. Right now, I just need to get away from there," he said, both of them knowing exactly what "there" meant.

Tazaki didn't say anything at first, his gray eyes running over him as if looking for further explanation. Thankfully, he didn't push the topic, patting a hand on his and nodding.

"Whenever you're ready, okay?" he said. He paused, as if wanting to say something else. "Let me get you a blanket. And an ice pack."

"Thanks," Hatano said, slumping into the couch and finally letting his body rest. He was gonna get through this, he told himself. With the image of Jitsui in mind, he knew that things would work out somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as he sank into the couch, a thought hit Hatano. Immediately, he popped into a sitting position and started rummaging through his bag. 
> 
> "Wait!” he said, causing Tazaki to freeze in his steps. “I have something for you."
> 
> It didn't take him too long to find what he needed and handed it to Tazaki, whom looked at it incredulously. 
> 
> "Is... this my hot glue gun?" 
> 
> "Yep," Hatano said, popping the "p."
> 
> "I lent this to you, like, six months ago."
> 
> Hatano shrugged.
> 
> "Said I'd give it back to you, didn't I?"
> 
> Tazaki looked back and forth between him and the hot glue gun.
> 
> "...True."  
> \--  
> haha remember that hot glue gun hatano forgot in the first chapter because i sure do 
> 
> and fun fact (well, to me it is lol)! apparently japanese fire escapes are pretty subtle and can take on the form of a trap door with a shoot or like a slide or something, i thought that was pretty neat since i live in nyc where fire escapes are pretty much everywhere haha
> 
> aaanyways, one of the most dramatic things i've ever written yet lol but fret not! we're almost towards the end and you all know how much of a sap i am hehe 
> 
> the next update _should_ be soon, i find myself a lot more confident in it and i'm getting through it pretty quickly, so hopefully it'll be up sometime in december. i intended to have this fic done by the end of the year, but perhaps it'll be done by early january ehe
> 
> thank you guys again for sticking with me, it really means a lot to me that you guys are reading! i hope you all have a lovely day/night~! ♡〜٩(^▿^)۶〜♡


	6. Jitsui III: Days of Searching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once Jitsui set his mind to something, there was no way he would back down. Especially when it concerned Hatano.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hoped to get this up earlier, but hey, it's still december! haha
> 
> compared to hatano's side, jitsui's is a _lot_ more tamer, though... he'll be getting his fair share of action soon lol
> 
> but anyways, let's see what happens, shall we? thank you guys for reading and i hope you enjoy!! (≧∇≦)/

_Being a spy meant constantly presenting a new act to others, a new face, a new person; even the personality he wore now as Jitsui wasn't his true one. Though as time went on, the line between his "true" self and the man named Jitsui began to blur. Eventually, distinguishing which feelings and thoughts belonged to whom became nigh impossible. He supposed it didn't matter in the long run, especially now when he was to play the role of Morishima Kunio._

_Such as it was, he found himself in the library preparing for his mission. Black frames sat on the bridge of his nose, his hair had been swept to the side, and a book of myths rested in his hands. It didn't hurt to get a feel of whom Kunio was ahead of time, just like every other part he'd been told to play. Not to mention, it was easier to trick himself into thinking that he didn't care about leaving the building and the people in it -- one man in particular -- if he was someone else._

_Of course, he shouldn't have forgotten how persistent some people could be. He heard the footsteps behind him a little too late, something he mentally reprimanded himself for, but nonetheless braced himself for the "sneak attack." There was only one person he knew who would do such a thing, anyways, without fearing the consequences._

_"Boo," Hatano said at the same time his hands slammed onto his shoulders. Jitsui jumped at the sudden contact but that was the only reaction he allowed._

_"Can't you let me have my fun?" He heard the annoyance in Hatano's voice as he moved to take a seat beside him, but he knew him well enough to know that he wasn't actually angry._

_"You're starting to sound like Kaminaga," Jitsui teased, a smirk on his lips._

_"That's an insult if I've heard one." Scoffing, Hatano rested his hands behind his head._

_"Don't worry, you're a lot more tolerable."_

_"Gee," he said, sarcasm dripping in his tone. "Thanks."_

_They fell into a lull of silence, not that Jitsui minded much considering this would be one of his last moments with him (For a while, he reminded himself, trying not to dwell on bad outcomes; he trusted himself, he trusted him, he trusted_ them _). Any time spent with Hatano was like a blessing with that notion in mind. It was funny, now that he thought about it, how quickly he'd grown attached to Hatano. He hadn't anticipated befriending anyone considering that this was a spy training facility. They were only supposed to be allies to each other and nothing more, and that was just how Jitsui intended on using Hatano and the others. Ironically, he'd never felt closer to anyone before joining D-Agency, nor did he ever feel... such intimate feelings towards someone. He'd once deemed relationships of any sort meaningless, but in times like these, he began to wonder how he'd gone without them._

_"The glasses look suits you," Hatano said, breaking his thoughts._

_"You think so?" As much as he appreciated the compliment, Jitsui took them off and ran a hand through his hair. He had no need for an act around Hatano, anyways._

_"Mhm, fits a bookworm like you." Hatano's eyes drifted to the book on his lap. "Mythology, though? Didn't think you were into that stuff."_

_"Oh, I'm not."_ _He was erring on the side of carelessness, sharing classified information, but Jitsui often made exceptions for Hatano. "But Kunio is."_

_There was a slight pause as Hatano let what he'd said sink in, no doubt having already solved the meaning behind it._

_"Yeah?" Hatano said, putting two-and-two together. "Then what does Kunio think of it?"_

_"Enjoyable, but you probably wouldn't be interested."_

_"I'll take your word on that,_ but _\--" Without warning, Hatano took the glasses and put them on his own face, pushing his bangs up to change his appearance. It was strange, indeed, but he couldn't say he looked bad. "-- maybe Shimano would."_

_That name, too, was unfamiliar to Jitsui, but he didn't need any explanation as to whom it was. Seeing as this was how Hatano was going about it, he played along, slipping right back into his role as Kunio rather easily._

_"Really?" he asked, his tone taking on a softer air._

_"Try me," was Hatano -- Shimano's -- reply._

_And so try Jitsui -- Kunio, rather -- did. With the introduction alone, he could tell he was already losing Hatano's interest despite how well he acted otherwise. Truthfully speaking, these types of tales weren't Jitsui's cup of tea either, but there was some appeal to story of Osiris and Isis. Perhaps he'd gotten softer during the course of his studies, but Isis' struggles managed to shrill out some sympathy from him. It was a harrowing affair, losing Osiris and having to track down all the pieces of his dismembered body, only to lose him once more as he'd become Death itself as soon as she'd found him again. The whole story left a bitter taste in Jitsui's mouth, though at the same time, it drew him in. As he'd been reading it, he couldn't help but imagine what he'd do in Isis' place, to what extent he'd go to find a loved one. Sadist he may be, but most sadists had a masochistic streak as well, didn't they?_

_"You were right," Hatano said when he'd finished recounting the myth. He took the glasses off and shook his hair back in place, and there was the Hatano he knew. "I didn't care at all."_

_"Shimano was the one listening," Jitsui said matter-of-factly. He held back a chuckle as Hatano gave him a look. "What did_ he _think of it?"_

_Hatano hummed, drumming his fingers against the back of his head. It was rather cute, Jitsui mused, how he pretended to be thinking of an appropriate answer._

_"Searching for a lost lover seems like a waste of time, doesn't it?" He shrugged. "Sure Isis brought Osiris back, but what's the point if they're going to be separated again?"_

_Hearing his answer, Jitsui wondered how much of Shimano was in that reply and how much of Hatano was in it._

_"It depends on how you look at it."_

_"Wow," Hatano said, dragging the word out. "Didn't realize you were a romantic deep down inside."_

_Jitsui didn't respond immediately, somewhat stunned to hear that spoken out loud. If he had to be honest, he didn't realize so either. Once he would've scorn the sentiment, but as a spy, he'd learned how to adapt -- even if it meant accepting feelings he shouldn't have in the first place._

_"I'd do the same," he finally said. Though posed hypothetically, they both knew exactly what he meant. "Wouldn't you?"_

_Hatano stayed silent for a moment, their eyes meeting, as if trying to find a lie in his words._

_"Careful," Hatano said after some time. "Someone might think you're actually capable of love." And though he meant it as a jest, Jitsui knew his feelings were mutual._

_Jitsui smiled, one that Hatano returned. Yes, their time together was limited, but Jitsui -- the man he'd become and embraced -- was a rather simple man. Having Hatano by his side was all he needed, and he'd do anything for that._

* * *

Upon first impression, many would describe Jitsui as calm, level-headed, and demure among other saintly adjectives. They always saw him as an angel, the picture of what a perfect gentleman should be. Little did they know that couldn't possibly be further from the truth, his sadistic, stubborn side coming to light as one got to know him better.

And now was one of his stubborn moments.

As sensible as he tried to be, there was no way he could sit back and let things happen -- especially with what was at stake. Maybe it was the shoujo mangaka inside him taking over, but he knew deep in his heart that Hatano would've waited for him, if not outright taken the situation into his own hands. In his ideal fantasies, things would've gone smoothly; he and Hatano would've been together by now, and he wouldn't be pacing a hole out on the sidewalk contemplating his next move. Though Jitsui didn't consider himself much of an optimist, he never imagined that the meeting yesterday would've gone _that_ badly.

That was, unless, if Hatano hadn't gotten his letter.

Jitsui wasn't quick to anger, but the very thought of it made his blood boil because it was looking more and more plausible. He knew that making assumptions wasn't good either, but what little he saw of Hatano's father was enough to tell him that there was nothing good going on with him.

Nonetheless, Jitsui wouldn't let this deter him; his pride nor his stubbornness simply wouldn't let him. And, pardon the wishful thinking, maybe this time Hatano would answer the door. As he made his way back to Hatano's apartment, Jitsui comforted himself with those pretty thoughts. Doing otherwise would only make the seeds of hesitation grow more and more.

Unfortunately, reality wasn't like his shoujo mangas where everything would fall into place right after the conflict. What greeted him at the door were not those droopy, brown eyes he'd come to adore in his previous lifetime but the sharp ones he'd come to loathe in less than twenty-four hours. Come what may, he'd have to keep his cool lest things continue falling in a downward spiral and that was the last thing he wanted.

"Good afternoon," Jitsui said in the most sickeningly sweet voice as possible.

Mr. Ryosuke's response was to click his tongue. Jitsui resisted the impulse to strangle him right there and then.

"You again."

"Yes, it's me again." Though he kept his tone polite, even he couldn't bother to hide his annoyance. "You said Hatano would be around later and since it's later, I was wondering if he was around?"

Already expecting a negative response, Jitsui peeked through the space between the door in search for any sign of Hatano.

"Sorry, kid. He's not here."

"Then," he said, eyes still surveying the room. It seemed as though Mr. Ryosuke's words were correct, but Jitsui knew not to take things at face value. "Could you tell me when he'll be back -- _exactly_?"

"I wouldn't be able to tell you," Mr. Ryousuke said, only irritating Jitsui even more. "He's back when he's back. Now leave."

He moved to close the door, but Jitsui was quicker. He stepped forward, not only preventing the door from closing but also giving him a better view of the inside. His stomach dropped when he didn't see anything of importance, but then he caught sight of black fur poking out from the hallway. Jumping to conclusions was foolish, he knew, but he couldn't help but wonder.

"I'm sorry, but --"

The tuft of black fur moved forward, yellow eyes meeting his.

A cat. A black cat with yellow eyes that seemed all too familiar. His heart lurched at the sight of it, though he could only guess whom it was. He could only spend so much time dwelling on the matter, however, having been pushed back and pinned down with sharp eyes.

"I said _leave_."

With that, the door was slammed into his face but Jitsui didn't find himself as frustrated as he'd been earlier, surprisingly enough. The desire to murder Hatano's father still lingered, but he needed to use his calculation skills for something else for now. Never before had he felt so much hope because of a _cat_ of all things, but the sight of the feline sent his brain thinking. Surely, there was another way; surely, he would get to Hatano -- somehow, some place.

* * *

If he couldn't get in the directly, then Jitsui would just have to take another route. Based on his observations, the fire escape ran down the balconies in the back of the building. And if his guess was correct, then one of the entrances was on Hatano's floor. Whether or not it was outside _Hatano's_ room was another question he had yet to figure out, but he supposed he would be finding the answer to that very soon.

Finding the fire escape wasn't difficult. One would have to be an incompetent fool not to notice the shoot. No, it was the matter of climbing _up_ the shoot. As much as he hated to admit it, he wasn't as fit as he used to be. He didn't really have reason to keep up a rigorous training regimen in this life nor did he find it necessary. Nevertheless, up was the only way to go, to Hatano, so up he would go.

The first few steps were clumsy, his feet slipping up and his grip on the walls loose, but he found his stride eventually. Soon enough, he reached the top but all that met him was the trap door. He hadn't thought it would be a problem, but he bit back a curse on his tongue when he pushed up on it to no avail. The damn thing certainly didn't appear to be so heavy. Regardless, he gave it another push, stronger this time, but that proved useless as well.

He'd already made it this far, so no way was he going to turn back now. Despite the cramp in his legs and the strain on his arm holding his body up, he kept banging and banging on the door until he budged it open. How great would it be if that'd been it -- Hatano would be waiting for him on the other side and they'd be together again.

But there was nothing. As far as his eyes could go, he couldn't see any other person. He couldn't hear anything either except for the afternoon breeze of spring. The balcony was empty, as well as the messy room connected to it --

 _Meow_.

\-- or perhaps there was something. His eyes flew to the source of the noise and landed on a black cat, which appeared to be the same one that he'd seen yesterday. The cat drew nearer as he hauled himself up, circling him and scrutinizing him. By all means, he should've hurried on inside. The balcony door was slightly ajar, presenting the perfect opportunity to go inside, but for some reason, he sat still on the edge. When the cat had finished its inspection, its yellow eyes met his and Jitsui knew this couldn't be a coincidence. Seeing that the cat wouldn't hurt him, Jitsui decided to test out his theory.

"Yoru...?"

At that, the cat -- Yoru -- meowed, his ears faced forward and tail straight up, quivering. Well, Jitsui thought, so it seemed that cats indeed had nine lives. Though he couldn't claim to be extremely close to Yoru in the previous life, he couldn't help but feel nostalgic at the sight. Allowing himself an instance of compassion, he scratched the underside of Yoru's neck before standing up proper.

"So then Hatano should be inside..." Jitsui thought aloud, not expecting an answer but finding some comfort in having a companion. But as he neared the door, he felt Yoru's paws on his ankles as if stopping him. He tried again only up be met with a similar response, even side stepping here and there but Yoru matched his steps.

He huffed, but it'd be shameful if he let his temper out on a cat. Counting to ten, Jitsui bent down so that he was eye level with Yoru. There was a reason they'd let him roam around in the Greater East Asia Cultural Society. Hopefully, nothing about that had changed.

"Yoru," he said, calling his attention. On one hand, Jitsui couldn't believe he was about to question a cat; on the other hand, this couldn't possibly be the most farfetched thing he'd come up with considering he was a shoujo mangaka. "Sway your tail once for 'yes' and twice for 'no.' Do you understand?"

Truly, he'd expected a null answer but thankfully, Yoru's tail swayed once.

"Is everything okay?"

Yoru hesitated, his tail still as if pondering the question. After a moment, his tail swayed 'no.' Jitsui's blood ran cold.

"Hatano is inside, right?"

One sway.

"What about his father?"

Yoru's tail swayed vigorously, accompanied by a hiss. Jitsui's lip twitched in frustration, taking a peek indoors once again. No wonder Yoru had tried stopping him from getting inside. It'd be a disaster if he'd caught him. Still, things couldn't be as simple as that. He tapped his foot furiously against the balcony floor, pondering the their circumstances. Inside the room, post-it notes were tacked onto various surfaces -- the walls, the books, even the headboard of the bed -- alongside forgotten, misplaced things. If he squinted hard enough, he could make out the characters on the notes. From that which he could see: "letter"? The gears in his head began spinning.

"Yoru, do you know if a letter I sent arrived here?"

Yoru's tail swayed once. All right, so the problem didn't lie there.

"Did Hatano get it?"

Two sways, to which Jitsui let out a swear. It was times like these that he hated being right. Even so, what was he to do about it? He couldn't send another one without the possibility of it getting intercepted again nor could he sneak in without fear of getting caught.

Then again, maybe _he_ didn't have to do anything.

"Do you know where it is?"

Yoru's tail swayed twice, but Jitsui didn't let that discourage him too much. Judging by this interaction alone, Yoru seemed intelligent enough to follow through with his plans.

"Do you think you can find it then? And if you do, could you show it to Hatano?"

Without hesitation, Yoru meowed whilst his tail swayed ‘yes.’ It really wasn't much, he figured, relying on a cat of all things, but he felt some relief. As he pet Yoru, he knew still that he couldn't grow lax here. Even if Yoru managed to get the letter to Hatano, there was still the matter of meeting him. He still had his fair share of work to handle and Jitsui wasn't one to slack off.

* * *

Waking from his memory-dreams oft left Jitsui with feelings of nostalgia and tranquility, the fleeting moments of yesteryears ringing throughout his mind. But today, when he woke up, the icy feeling of dread washed over his body. And such was a feeling he didn't like one bit. Especially not when he'd dreamed of one of the moments he shared with Hatano before their goodbyes.

Perhaps it was just the stress of everything going on. Ever since he'd given Yoru his task, he'd yet to make progress on his end. It was much like trying to grab hold of sand -- the grains continuously slipping through his fingers no matter how much of it he grabbed. He didn't believe in any higher beings nor fate, but if they did exist, it was almost like they purposely found obstacles to get in his way. Every time he thought he'd managed to catch Hatano, something always drove Hatano further and further away. 

Try as he might to ignore superstition, he couldn't help but grow dismayed as the days passed. Still, there was something Jitsui felt like he needed to do despite everything that had happened. For some reason or another, his gut told him to take the direct approach today. Meaning, go right up to the front door of Hatano's apartment. He hadn't forgotten his two previous failures already, but it wasn't like any other way was working out either. After all, the saying "third time's the charm" must have held some sort of merit and so, figuring he had nothing else to lose, Jitsui followed his instincts.

He found himself in front of the door sooner than he expected, the white door staring him in the face. He raised his hand to ring the doorbell, only to find himself hesitating.

Nervousness wasn't something he experienced often, not to sound too prideful or boastful. Of course, he had his fair bouts of it every now and then, but his belief in his skills had always won over. Mayhaps it was an advantage of remembering one's past life, that he was so sure he could do everything all over again. But he'd never encountered anything like this before, all things considered. It was only human to fear the unknown, but it was times like this he wished he'd be more akin to the monsters that Sakuma had called the spies so many years ago. A monster didn't fear nor doubt; a monster would've gotten what it wanted by now.

Unfortunately, in this reality, he was very much human. He feared, he doubted, he'd yet to make his peace. But it was those same fears that pushed him forward now, that lead him on to Hatano's place. As nerve wracking as it was to be so close yet so far away, he would only hate himself if he did nothing about it.

Ignoring every doubt that screamed in his mind, Jitsui rang the doorbell and counted the seconds that passed.

Heartbeats reverberating throughout his eardrums was a sensation he thought only happened in fiction, but he figured by now he should've learned that art mimicked reality. He willed himself to stand still as he waited for the door to open, feeling the urge to pace around. It only intensified as he finally heard the latch being unchained and the lock opening. He braced himself for more disappointment, that hope would only aggravate him even more. Still, as the door swung opened, he held his breath and --

Time stopped when their eyes met.

It took a few moments for Jitsui to process the sight before him, unsure if he was still dreaming or not. All this life, Hatano had just been a fragment of the past -- only tangible through his memories and dreams. But looking at him now, he was just as he remembered him, every single feature from head to toe. Even in this lifetime, he was shorter than him, and he still had that middle part in his hair that framed his face nicely, and those droopy brown eyes that bore into his soul, and the cute, button nose that he'd grown to adore. All these little details were exactly that same as he remembered that it was almost as if they'd never parted ways in the first place. It took all of his will power not to take Hatano into his arms and hold him close, but even a part of him feared that he'd disappear if he did just that.

"Hatano?" Jitsui managed to spit out, the name but a breath on his tongue.

Hatano didn't respond immediately, his eyes widened as if, too, in shock. Jitsui remained silent and still, letting Hatano take his time. As uncertain as Hatano looked, their gazes met again, and there was that light of recognition in his eyes and that, for Jitsui, was enough.

"Jit --"

All of a sudden, Jitsui's collar hit his neck, choking him as he was pulled back. His mind scrambled, trying to figure out what was happening, but there could only be one answer to that question.

"Excuse me." Just the sound of that man's voice grated his nerves. Reminding himself that murder was illegal, Jitsui whipped around quickly to face Mr. Ryousuke but he was already halfway through the door. "We're not having visitors right now."

The door slammed in his face but after all that had happened, he wouldn't let that stop him. He ran back towards the door -- towards Hatano -- and began pounding against it with all his might. The rational part of his mind knew it wouldn't accomplish much, but it was the only thing he could think of to do in a rush. Under the midst of all the force, the hinges of the door loosened though not enough to get him in. Seeing that was the case, he finally let his arms take a rest, paying little attention to the soreness in his hands and arms. He didn't know how long he'd been there, but as he pressed his ears against the door he heard only silence. That, to him, was much more disturbing than the yelling he anticipated.

He needed to get in. Or, at the very least, he needed to know if Hatano was okay.

Not wasting a single second, Jitsui hurried to the back of the building. Quickly locating the fire escape shoot, he climbed his way up. How funny it was that what once seemed daunting was effortless in the midst of a matter. The only thing -- annoyance, rather -- was the weight of the trap door once he'd reached the top, but even he managed to swing it open in his hurry. Hauling himself up, he quickly assessed the scene.  

Only the sounds of the wind gushing by greeted him up there. The balcony was empty, as was the room connected to it, much like it had been a couple days ago. This time around, though, the door was shut close and not even Yoru was around. Peering inside, he tried to make out some semblance of life. Surely _someone_ had to be inside. But then again, a lot could have happened in the time he'd spent trying to get here. Light poured in from the living room to the hallway and the door on the other end was closed tight. An argument or a fight, Jitsui could deal with, but the lack of activity was sending him on the edge.

He gripped the balcony door handle, but it didn't budge. He huffed in frustration, telling himself not to do anything rash. He then patted his pockets and scoured the balcony for anything he could use a pick lock, but as was the theme for today, there was nothing. It would have been easy to just punch the glass and break in but he didn't want to draw too much attention nor cause any more problems on top of this one.

Nevertheless, spending any more time here would be a waste. The sun was steadily falling west and glancing at his watch told him that it was already evening. He hadn't even realized he'd spent most of his time out here, having missed a few calls from Gamou and some texts from Odagiri when he checked his phone. But then again, he thought, what was there to do? Perhaps the silence meant that Hatano had left. But if he did, then where to? He hadn't the faintest clue, but he berated himself for even thinking of giving up. It might've just been a thought of false hope, but that thought was better than what he wanted to imagine what Hatano was going through at home.

Sometimes hope was all he had, and that hope was better than nothing. With that in mind, Jitsui set off again. Hatano had to be _somewhere_. He would be damned if he let things end like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jeez, i gotta stop ending the year on downer notes lol good thing the last chapter's up next, right? haha
> 
> just wanna wish everyone a happy holidays and a happy new years! thank you guys so much for reading throughout the year and following this story! i really appreciate that you guys are there, whether or not you've left a kudos or comment; just knowing that someone is out there reading means the world to me! i hope the new year treats all of you well and may wonderful days await you!! ♡〜٩(^▿^)۶〜♡
> 
> see you guys next month for the finale! ☆ﾐ(o*･ω･)ﾉ


	7. Jitsui & Hatano: Awake and Right Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it angels, is it devils, whispering in my ears?  
> Is it emotions, is it illusions?  
> I need to be with you.  
> \- [Long Dream](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIeIvDqOttE)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew, i was a bit worried i was gonna it a bit close to the end of january with this but...!! yes, we've finally made it to the end!!
> 
> i'm gonna save the end notes for my sappy ramblings + talk about what's next in store, but thank you guys so much for following this story all this way! i hope you'll enjoy this last chapter as well! ヾ（〃＾∇＾）ﾉ♪

_For the past few days, Jitsui had prepared for every possible aspect of his mission, from perfecting his persona to setting up backup plans should things go awry. But the one thing he didn't account for was that leaving would be so lonely._

_The notion of loneliness was ridiculous in and of itself, as it was to be expected given D-Agency's nature. The life of a spy was a solitary one, where concepts such as relationships and intimacy held no meaning. There would be no grand send off for him, no going away party, or anything of the like no matter how "close" he considered himself with the other students. Once he was gone, it would be as if the man named Jitsui never existed. Yet, he found himself hesitating on leaving the Greater East Asia Cultural Society. This place was not a "home," but despite that, he'd grown too familiar with the other men whom resided here -- one man in particular._

_To be fair, he and Hatano had bade their farewells a while ago, though not a proper goodbye. They couldn't really have one, considering their circumstances. Such as it was, wanting more than that was too selfish, too human. He'd never be able to leave, to perform his mission properly if he was fixated on such things. Besides, Hatano was busy preparing for his own mission._

_The black hat that rested heavily on his head and the glasses that sat on the bridge of his nose reminded him of the realities of the situation. It was best to leave those feelings with Jitsui, he decided as he would become Morishima Kunio. He'd just have to trust himself to get through this, no matter how much he wished to remain as Jitsui a little longer. There was no room for getting sentimental now. He needed to get to the rendezvous point or else he'd_ _jeopardize his mission before it even started._

_Still, in the back of his mind, those thoughts lingered -- thoughts of simpler times and "what if"s._

* * *

Up and early to rise was Jitsui's usual routine, but he couldn't recall if he'd actually fallen asleep that night. Everything that had happened after he'd seen Hatano passed like a blur and the next thing he knew, the sun had already begun to rise. His feet had somehow lead him back home within that time, but his legs ached from all the walking and his eyes were so dry from the search that it hurt to keep them open. That wasn't to mention the bags underneath his eyes, something Miyoshi would surely reprimand him for if he saw him. He paid them no mind though, for he had more pressing matters to attend to.

The thing was that Jitsui didn't know what to do.

All he had to go on was an address. He didn't know where Hatano usually went to hang out, where he went to school, whom his friends were or whom he associated with. Just that one address that seemed cursed with hope and despair in the midst of all this. The night spent searching seemed like a waste, in retrospect, just aimlessly looking around without any clue to go by. Perhaps Jitsui had gone insane, going back and back and back to the place that had failed him so many times and expecting a different result each visit. Surely all rationality had left him some time ago and his body was running on mere delusions now. Truly, though, he had no other option. He couldn't -- wouldn't -- consider giving up, not now, not ever.

So, as dawn broke and the morning sun seared into his eyes, Jitsui slipped out of the house and trudged through the path that had become awfully familiar in such a short amount of time. There was a bit of a lonesome atmosphere to it all, the cool spring breeze his only company as he made his way. Nearing Hatano's apartment, too, made him only feel further and further away rather than closer.

Nevertheless, Jitsui had already come out this far. He'd once thought naive hopes would see him through, but even he began to have his doubts -- in himself, in all of this. The door in front of him seemed to be sneering at him and the quiet yelling at him about how much of a fool he was. Regardless of it all, Jitsui steeled himself before ringing the doorbell, awaiting whatever would come.

* * *

_As Hatano went through the motions of packing, there was something he couldn't quite recall -- the feeling like an itch he couldn't scratch, a source of restlessness he couldn't quite pinpoint._

_From what he could see in front of him, he could make out identification documents, clothes, and money among other miscellaneous necessities. For his mission,_ _if he remembered correctly. His mission in France. He quivered, whether in anticipation or in apprehension, he wasn't sure._

_His foot had been tapping against the floor ever since he started getting ready for his mission, the sound of it louder than it should be in the empty dormitory. Vague recollections of the other men's daily banter filled his mind. The silence, now, felt stifling despite how many times he told the others to shut up. Eventually, he slowed to a stop and sat absentmindedly on his bed._

_Hatano's eyes drifted to the bed beside his, noting how clean and neat it'd been made. Of course, that wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but seeing it empty felt wrong for some reason. Remembering the man who'd slept in it being the first sight he'd see in the mornings and the last at nights, his lips curled into a frown as he placed a hand on top of it. Cold, much like how the rest of the dormitory felt. And cold it would remain for a while, much like his own after he set off for his mission._

_Going abroad was exciting, in all honesty. In fact, he'd been looking forward to it for some time now. It was a chance for him to see the world, to test his skills, to prove his worth. But now, something seemed to be holding him back. The feeling of hollowness spread throughout his chest, frustrating him as it seemed to make the cold feel worse. He thought he'd learned to stop hesitating a long time ago._

_Taking a glance at his watch, Hatano quickly stood up. There was something he needed to do, that was all he knew. With that, he let his feet lead him to where that was._

* * *

He'd told Tazaki he'd leave in the morning, and Hatano was always a man of his word. Though, maybe this was a _little_ too early, considering that none of the other guys had woken up yet. Outside, the sun had just risen, but he found himself too restless to stay any longer. Well, he figured, he left a note. And hey, Yoru was still there. They wouldn't worry. Much. Probably. Whatever. He was already out anyways.

Now that he thought about it, he should've at least taken some Tylenol to calm the stabbing in his head and the uneasiness in his steps, but he brushed it off as hunger and ate some crackers as he left. It did little to help the pain or get rid of the bleariness in his vision, but Hatano didn't care at the moment.

He needed to see Jitsui and dammit, that was what mattered.

And as exciting as the thought of that was, it was also kinda scary. Okay, _really_ scary. Even now, he could hardly believe that Kunio was Jitsui, that Jitsui was Kunio. It seemed like he was still stuck in his dreams, where Jitsui was within reach but so far away at the same time. To think that he'd be seeing him again soon, filling in the blanks, having a complete image of the man he could remember only so much of sent his nerves into a tizzy. He feared that he'd wake up again, that all of this was just another dream and he'd be right back to where he started this whole mess. A part of him told him to turn back now before it all really proved to be a dream.

Those thoughts left him just as easily as it came, the growing vertigo as he looked up at the building before him saying otherwise. He was really awake. He was really steps away from Jitsui. He was really moments away from the day he'd be waiting for who knows how long. Stomping away his doubts, ignoring the pain in his body, and blinking away the specks dancing in his vision, Hatano continued forward. He was _this_ close, and he would see this whole damn thing through.

But it seemed that, no matter how badly _he_ wanted to, his body had other plans. It was when he was about to enter the building that dizziness overtook him, his grip on the door handle loose as the blackness took over.

There was something he needed to do, but as his mind shut down, Hatano wasn't sure if he could do it.

* * *

 " _Jitsui!"_

_At the sound of that voice -- that familiar voice he wanted to hear just one last time -- Jitsui froze. Turning around, he saw Hatano rushing down the stairs, taking the steps two at a time. Though certainly it didn't take too long to get here, Hatano's hair was slightly out of place and his chest heaved to catch his breath as he stopped in front of him._

_"...You're leaving." The words were barely above a whisper as they left Hatano's lips._

_"Yes," Jitsui said, finding himself amused despite himself. "I am."_

_"We should..." Hatano paused, as if trying to find the right words. "We should hang out sometime soon."_

_Jitsui couldn't help chuckle at his request, simple as they were -- idealistic by their standards. Knowing their situation, such a thing wouldn't be possible for quite a while._ If _they even got the opportunity to do so. But what a pretty thought it was, and Jitsui would allow himself such luxuries every now and then._

_"That would be a little difficult, don't you think?" Jitsui's lips quirked up as he teased him._

_"We can work our schedules around it."_

_"Our schedules, perhaps, but isn't a certain someone supposed to be in France?"_

_"Minor inconvenience." Hatano shrugged, his tone nonchalant. "It's not terribly hard to work around."_

_Leave it to Hatano to make such a grand thing seem like no big deal, Jitsui thought; but that, after all, was one of his many endearing traits. Though his departure sat in the back of his mind, he grew more and more at ease with this exchange alone._

_"I suppose so, but --" Jitsui pushed his glasses further up, adjusting the hat on his head. "I don't believe we'll have met each other before," he said, voice taking on a softer air._

_"Well." Hatano ran a hand through his hair. "We'll just have to get acquainted then."_

_"Mhm, I suppose so," he said. "But if we see each other then... how do we know to trust each other?"_

_Hatano didn't reply immediately, but there wasn't any trace of doubt on his face._

_"'Hello,'" he said. "'How do you do?'"_

_Jitsui tilted his head to the side, mulling over the meaning of his words. They sounded so familiar, but where exactly was the question. Then it hit him. And when it did, he couldn't help but smile._

_"'Could be better, could be worse,'" he quoted the rest of the dialogue. "Our first meeting."_

_"Right." Hatano nodded. "That'll be our little code."_

_"Simple, but does its job. I can agree to that," Jitsui said. "Though I hope you finish everything you need to do before anything else."_

_"Jeez, who do you think I am?" Hatano hit his arm lightly, faking the annoyance in his voice. "I'll be done in no time."_

_Silence fell between the two of them, a type of limbo where words were all they wanted to say but words couldn't possibly encapsulate their feelings. Their lives as spies dictated that they have no sense of normalcy, no stability, no love and at one point Jitsui would've been fine with that. But it seemed that irony was as play since those were what he yearned for right now._ _The minutes passed by and Jitsui knew at this point he would be late to getting to his destination. Though this moment had to end, he wanted to make the most of it._ _Usually not one to follow his impulses, Jitsui let himself listen to them just this once and stepped forward, pulling Hatano into an embrace._

_Any stiffness Hatano had melted away the moment they touched, Hatano wrapping around his arms around him and leaning against his shoulder. How warm it felt, to be in his arms -- nothing like the harshness of reality. If Jitsui were a more selfish, more impulsive man, he'd abandon his duties and run off somewhere with Hatano where no one could find them. But this was the life they both agreed to; he -- like Hatano -- were spies first and foremost, and so his duties took priority._

_"I'll see you around then." Breaking away from the embrace, Jitsui already grew colder as they parted._

_"Yeah." Though Hatano gave him a smirk, the tightness in his voice betrayed him. "See you."_

_Hesitating for a moment, Jitsui gave Hatano one more look, burning the image of him in his mind. His memories of him were all he would have to go on until they met again, and cherish them he would. Keeping them close to his heart, Jitsui left the building. Things would work out for them, somehow._

* * *

Odagiri didn't particularly _enjoy_ working for Jitsui, but it gave him something to do. Every now and then, though, he needed a break -- especially when he felt a cold coming on. Hoping Jitsui would have mercy, he texted him the night before to ask him for a day off. He didn't get an answer, much to his misfortune. The lack of reply was equally troubling since Jitsui was usually on top of things. Nonetheless, Odagiri forced himself to get up. He feared death at Jitsui's hand more than death by illness so it was better to go just in case. Death, he figured, was coming no matter what.

For him, at least. Not the guy lying smack on the ground in front of Jitsui and Miyoshi's building.

Looking around the area only to see absolutely no one else, Odagiri took it upon himself to help him. A good deed for good karma, maybe it'll help him out in the next life.

"Hey, you okay?" he said, approaching the guy.

No response.

"Okay." He didn't know what he expected, to be honest.

After checking again to make sure no one else was really around, he knelt down beside him, trying to remember any first aid he could. There didn't appear to be anything that could cause any more harm from what he could see, so that was good. Odagiri picked him up as gently as possible, turning him so that his face wasn't flat on the concrete any longer, but he nearly dropped him when he caught sight of his face.

In spite of the bruise, Odagiri recognized Hatano. He'd heard from Miyoshi and Jitsui that they'd seen the others around, but seeing it for himself was really something. He'd almost accepted that half of their little group hadn't been born again for whatever cosmic reason. But here Hatano was, laying out cold on his lap. Quickly, Odagiri checked his pulse and watched his breaths. Faint as they were, they were there, thankfully; it'd be a shame if his first meeting with Hatano was him being dead.

Now what, was the question Odagiri dreaded. His phone was on standby in his hand, but Jitsui would wanna hear about this, wouldn't he? His apartment was right _there_. Then again, Jitsui hadn't been answering him for the past day or so. But it'd be easier to take care of him upstairs. Then again, Hatano looked like shit. But --

Hatano groaned, his features twitching.

Right. Ambulance first, Odagiri decided as he dialed the number. Hopefully Hatano would be okay.

* * *

At this point, Jitsui couldn't say he was surprised at the sight he saw. Disappointed, definitely, but not surprised. Seeing Mr. Ryosuke -- those eyes especially; so sharp, so frigid, so _infuriating_ \-- answer the door felt like the gods' last joke on him, as if they were telling him that all of this was futile and he should just turn around and give up. Hope, it seemed, was for the naive and delusional.

But Jitsui wasn't going to have any of it.

"Pardon me." Without waiting for a response, Jitsui shoved him out of the way, stomping into the apartment and surveying the living room. Nothing, it seemed. Nothing, nothing, nothing, just like everywhere he searched. Try as he might, Jitsui ignored the sinking feeling in his stomach, the buzzing throughout his body.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Mr. Ryosuke's voice came from behind him. His hands shot out to grab him but Jitsui was quicker, side-stepping and grabbing those very same hands in his iron grip. Taking the moment he was stunned to act, Jitsui gripped his collar and pulled him in.

"I'm looking for your son," Jitsui said, maintaining his calm as best as he could. "Could you tell me where he is?"

"Is that so?" Mr. Ryosuke retorted back, not the slightest bit amused. "I could ask you the same thing."

Jitsui narrowed his eyes.

"I'm sorry?"

"You heard me. He's not here." He nodded his head towards the outside. "Kid ran off somewhere last night."

"...Are you not worried?" Jitsui asked, dreading the answer.

"He'll come back," he said, answering everything and nothing. His voice was bitter, if anything, tired and spiteful. "He doesn't have anywhere else to go."

"I see." Teeth gnashing against each other, Jitsui mentally counted to ten. "If that's the case, then could you answer a question for me?"

Mr. Ryosuke looked down at him as if he were a child before chuckling.

"Sure, why not."

"What is your problem?" Here, Jitsui pushed down on him, forcing him onto his knees. To his credit, he barely reacted as he hit the ground, the sound echoing against the wooden floor. No matter, Jitsui supposed. It would only make breaking him even more exciting. "I don't believe we've ever met before, sir, so what do you have against me?"

"Don't get me wrong, it's not about you," he answered. "I'm just showing that kid his place. Just taking care of him, you know?"

"You have an odd way of taking care of him."

"Tough love for a burden, isn't that right?"

"A _burden_...!?"

Wasting no time, Jitsui threw Mr. Ryosuke onto the floor and slammed a foot onto his head before he could retaliate. The grunts he tried to surpass weren't enough for him. If only he had his other tools on him, this would make the whole situation a _lot_ more fun. He'll just have to settle for this for now; he figured there was something exciting about a raw beating as well.

"What kind of man do you think you are?!" Jitsui twisted his heel into him, not wanting to hear what excuses he had to say. The groan that came out of him was a much more satisfactory answer. "Do you really find any satisfaction in making your child miserable?"

"I'm just making the most out of the situation," was his reply. Unfortunately for him, he should've kept his mouth shut. Jitsui kicked him in the stomach, sending him to his side.

"You, sir, are scum," Jitsui said, sending his foot down onto him again, keeping him pinned down. "The worst of the worst."

Simply to keep him quiet, Jitsui punted Mr. Ryosuke's jaw, the sound of his teeth clashing against each other reverberating throughout the room. The quiet, however long it would last, served to give him time to think about his next course of action -- as little leads he had to go on, to find Hatano. Or at least it would've, if not for the damned buzzing in his pocket. He'd been ignoring it, brushing it off as the effects of his adrenaline running, but he was too irritable, too tired, and his patience was wearing thin. As his phone buzzed for the umpteenth time, he forced himself to answer it.

"What?" he said, practically spitting the word out.

"Oh, um --" Odagiri's voice came from the other end, to which Jitsui rolled his eyes. "Did you see my texts?"

"No." Digging his heel into Mr. Ryosuke's stomach, the corners of his lips twitched up as he winced. "I've been busy."

"Okay, well... Hatano's in the hospital."

Just like that, Jitsui froze.

"...Excuse me?"

"Hatano's in the hospital," he repeated, this time with more certainty.

Jitsui opened his mouth to speak, so many things he wanted to ask and know, but found himself unsure as to where to start. To think that he'd gone through all of this, nearly losing his mind in the process, and there Odagiri just went and found Hatano. He almost wanted to laugh at how simple it seemed, but he'd have to rue his luck another time.

"Text me which hospital you're at," he told Odagiri, his gaze falling onto the bastard he'd been dealing with. What mattered now was that Hatano was somewhere safe, and he'd keep it like that for as long as possible.

"Got it."

"Thank you," Jitsui said, ending the call.

The silence that followed left him numb. Numb in the sense of disbelief, that he couldn't process that this was actually happening -- he'd spent so much time being _almost_ close, that actually closing the gap seemed like a far off dream. It was only the squirming underneath him that pulled him back into reality, annoyance and frustration seeping back.

"Hatano's in the hospital, huh?" Mr. Ryosuke asked, amusement in his tone.

Jitsui leered at him.

"What does it matter to you?"

"Not much," he said, trying to remove Jitsui's foot from him only for Jitsui to press down harder. "But it's a father's responsibility to take care of his child, no?"

"You have _no_ right to call yourself a father!" Jitsui snapped, kicking him with as much strength as he could, sending him sliding towards the door. He hissed as he made impact, a sound Jitsui relished. "I've never met anyone as pathetic as you."

How wonderful would it be to spend the rest of the day breaking him, but he was hardly worth any more of his time now that he got what he’d came here for. If anything, he could always come back once everything's been settled.

"Now, if you'll excuse me," Jitsui said, stepping on him as he left the apartment. "I have somewhere to be."

Hatano was waiting, after all.

* * *

The first thing Hatano noticed when he woke up was that his body hurt like a bitch. He was used to migraines pounding in his head, but his face felt like it was on fire and even blinking took a toll on him; he'd rather have had his eyes gouged out than this. Moving his arms and legs, too, felt like a chore but at least they hurt the least.

The second thing he noticed was that he was alone.

By now, he knew he was in the ER. He'd grown familiar with the sterile coldness of it after too many visits while he was a kid. Waiting in the room by himself was nothing new either, his dad usually only arriving after he'd received the okay to go. It was a little easier as he grew older, having the guys come by when they'd heard of it, but Hatano hated how disappointed he felt.

He sighed as he nestled into the bed. What was he expecting, honestly? For Jitsui to be there at his side when he woke up and they'd have a happy ending? He wasn't exactly a cynical kinda person, but that sounded too good to be true. Some stranger probably found him passed out and took pity on him was what it was.

Well, whatever. He knew how the rest of the day would play out: they'd call up his dad, he'd come over to clear him, and he'd spend the rest of the day berating him. Verbally, physically, maybe both. Needless to say, he wasn't looking forward to it at all.

Outside his room, he could hear some people talking though he couldn't make out what they were saying. It was probably some nurses and a doctor, anyways. Now that he thought about it, how was he supposed to explain this to them? "Yeah, I ran away from home and didn't eat or take any meds and passed out." Christ, how embarrassing. Soon enough, the chattering ended and Hatano mentally prepared himself on what he was gonna say to the doctor as he heard someone approaching.

But all of that went out the window as soon as he saw who it was.

If not for the pain as his eyes bulged and mouth dropped, Hatano would've thought he was dreaming again. The one before him could’ve been mistaken for a delusion, what with how still he stood at the entrance and how pale his skin was. An angel who wasn’t quite an angel, Hatano thought. Instinctively, his hand brushed over the characters written on his wrist. What happened yesterday was too fleeting to grasp, and all else that he remembered was incomplete. As the seconds ticked by, Hatano almost feared that something would interrupt the moment again. But those fears steadily died away as Jitsui, so calm despite the shock on his face, drew nearer.

He stopped right in front of his bed, the two of them locking eyes. Jitsui's eyes were dark brown, Hatano remembered, a very pretty shade of brown -- warm and inviting. A brown that put him at ease.

"Hello." Jitsui's quiet voice broke the silence, an amused smile growing on his face.

"...Hey," Hatano said, the greeting slipping out of his mouth with ease.

"How do you do?" he asked as he took a seat in the space beside him, Hatano shifting over to make room for him. Jitsui raised a hand, hesitating as if asking for permission, and cupping Hatano’s cheek when he raised no objections. Hatano only winced a little; he was too busy relearning the many aspects of Jitsui to care about the pain.

"Could be better," Hatano said, taking note of Jitsui's features. Putting together that cherubic face; the big, brown eyes; and the black hair that framed his face perfectly seemed so simple in retrospect, he couldn't believe that he couldn't piece it together until he saw him. But yet, he couldn't find it in himself to be frustrated either -- not now, not with Jitsui around at least. "Could be worse. And you?"

"The feeling is mutual, I suppose." He didn't know how he could've forgotten the sound of Jitsui's voice either, how soft and strong it was. It was a voice he could listen to all day. "Though you could say I'm feeling better than worse."

"Funny," Hatano said, leaning into Jitsui's touch. Warm, just like his eyes. "I was thinking the same thing."

"Oh, really?" Jitsui wore an incredulous look, cupping the other side of his face with his other hand. "The giant bruise on your head says otherwise."

"That bad?" Hatano asked.

Jitsui's answer was to press a thumb against it, getting a out of hiss from him.

"Okay, that bad," Hastily, Hatano took Jitsui's hand off his face and into his own; half to stop the pain, half just because.

"Don't worry, I'll take good care of you," Jitsui said, entwining their fingers together.

"Ha?" Hatano raised an eyebrow. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Despite his words, there was no bite behind them. It seemed so natural being around Jitsui that he could lose himself in their little bubble like this, as if no time had passed between them at all.

"Don't you trust me?"

Though Jisui just meant to tease him, Hatano smiled back at him as he squeezed Jitsui's hand. He’d never considered himself the affectionate type before, but the warm feeling bubbled up within him and he felt like this was something he needed to do, to affirm. Turning towards the hand still on his cheek, Hatano pressed a kiss against Jitsui's palm.

"Of course I do."

Jitsui was silent for a moment, his brown eyes running over him and Hatano could swear there was a glassy tint to them, before breaking into a grin.

"Good." He kissed Hatano's forehead, the feeling of his lips just as soft -- just as real -- as he imagined, before resting his forehead on his. "There'd be some repercussions if you didn't."

"Eh." Hatano shrugged as a smile grew on his face. "I've been through worse."

The worst, however, seemed insignificant now that Jitsui was by his side. Tomorrow -- hell, maybe even later today -- could bring a shit storm his way, but somehow, as he looked at Jitsui smiling back at him, Hatano felt like he would be okay. He didn't know what was in store for them but it would be nice to make new memories with Jitsui for once, rather than piece together the old, broken ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> later on, hatano and jitsui teamed up to beat the ever-living daylights out of hatano's dad (just kidding. ~~maybe~~ )
> 
> ah jeez, i can't believe that this fic is over already...! it seems like yesterday i just started honestly haha, but really it's been about a year. if you told me five years ago that i'd be doing multi-chapter fics like this, i wouldn't have believed you haha. but i have to thank you -- all my readers -- for getting me this far! i've never really thought i'd garner an audience of some sort, but it really amazes me that you guys are out there reading! whether you've commented or not, left a kudos or not, been following since the beginning or not, knowing that people are out there reading my works and enjoying them means the entire world to me! if i can make someone's day a little bit better with my words, then i'm happy. so really, thank you so much for reading and being there!!（*’∀’人）♥
> 
> now moving on: i'm not taking a hiatus per se, but i'm taking a break of sorts. i'm still gonna be writing, but over the past two years or so, i think i pushed myself too hard to write -- i felt too much pressure to follow a "schedule" of sorts and i think i've burnt myself out by doing so haha. so with the upcoming uni semester coming up, i'm gonna be taking it easy in regards to writing so fics/updates won't be very frequent (as they were slowly becoming infrequent anyways lol)
> 
> speaking of which! the next fic in this series, "make or break," should hopefully be up some time in the spring/summer. unlike "déjà vu" and "long dream," "make or break" is less plot-centric and more of character studies on the reincarnated spies. as i'd been writing these fics, i figured there was actually a lot more i wanted to explore with them outside of romance and trying to find each other again haha, so that's what my main focus there will be. that said, "make or break" will include a sort of epilogue to both "déjà vu" and "long dream" during hatajitsu and kamimiyo's respective arcs! i hope to see you guys around for that as well~
> 
> some other fics: anohana AU has been in limbo for the past two years haha, but it's something i really wanna do. i think i've learned a lot while writing "long dream" so i hope to finally at least get anohana AU up later this year! and i also have plans for what i call the "cliche storm" series (the same verse as "birds of paradise"), which is basically what the name sounds (a bunch of cliche shop fics haha), but haven't started anything else from it yet. but something from that series may pop up some time in the future! other than those two, i don't really have any concrete projects but i have a few WIPs i've been playing around with, so there's definitely more in store ^o^
> 
> and~ i think that about wraps it up! thank you guys again so much for reading, it really does mean a lot to me! i hope you all have a lovely day/night and i wish you all the best!  
> ♡〜٩(^▿^)۶〜♡

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to talk to me or let me know what you think or anything on [tumblr](http://dollofdeath.tumblr.com/), [twitter](https://twitter.com/nighthawkstars), or in the comments! Thanks for reading and I hope you all have a lovely day/night~! (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡


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